You were the miracle of my life. Something so majestic I couldn't comprehend the truth of you. You pulled me out of the depths of the sea and struck a spark in my soul that ignited, flared to life, and spread through my body like a wildfire. I threw my fear away and leapt into the love you offered without restraint. I woke from the nightmare into the dream.
The night we made love for the first time I clung to you. I cried—not with pain—but with the heartbreak of growing up. I gave myself to you so completely there was never enough for anyone else. Love is not an infinite resource and when I gave all that I had to you, there wasn't any left. I have limped through life, never right in my belief that love is negative. Instead, I gave way to my fears and allowed his shadow to trail behind me, distorting everything good I ever had.
I have a love I can rely on but I won't lean into you. The shame of it all is that I could have what so many spend their lives hunting for. And yet I throw you away; I break your heart again and again. Twelve years ago I did it once when I chose him over you, but eventually I saw that you were the only one I could ever love. Ten years ago I did it again when I walked out of your life forever. And now I am torturing us both with my inability to hang up the past on the line, airing out the smell of death.
Sitting in my office I am left with the thought of you. You bring me such ecstasy and joy, more than I deserve. I live my life with a petrified heart; hard and unable to beat. The months have passed easily, with you in body or spirit, my soul clings to the thing it needs but my body holds back. I am afraid of change, afraid to give up the life I have built, afraid that choosing you will again lead to ruin.
The choice I made that day in my kitchen, to stay with you, to let him go, has haunted me since the night he did the unthinkable. I have replayed the moments in my life over and over, and it is clear to me that when I followed my heart others suffered. So I flow through life never picking sides, never putting up resistance to the tide that rushes over me, pulling me down with the undertow.
I work quickly, rushing through my days. Hoping to speed through my life, I work late and Matt is worried about me. I am distant and disengaged. We have always struggled with my apathy in life, it has been the one sticking point in our years together; that and work. I work too much, I always have, but there I can create and bring to life the magical something I am missing in myself. These days he senses it is something more. He asks me if I am upset, if I am sad. I say nothing, only that I am tired. I avoid the conversation that is demanding to be had.
Now, I have the thought of you.
When he kisses me, I no longer soften as I would before; when he holds my hand I am cool to the touch. I emulate the behavior of a woman in love but my heart is locked away, awaiting your return with the key. There's no way to keep us from walking away from this broken-hearted.
It's late and I'm still in my office, done with my work but unable to go home. Looking out the window I lose myself in the night sky, wishing I could float away into the bliss of blackness. Nothingness would be a relief.
I have to change this, I have to end this. Matt doesn't deserve what I am doing to him and neither do you. If there's a choice to be made, I made it years ago, and living in the delusion that I can have what I lost is only going to make the final break that much more painful. I told you I could never be yours again. For the hundredth time since I saw you last, I swear to myself I am going to call this off, dedicate myself to what I have and not dream for more than I'm allotted.
I pick up the phone and dial your number. My stomach flips and my heart squeezes down on itself, clamping in the pain I feel just by seeing your name on the display. I am hurting because deep inside is a little voice screaming at me that I love you. I love you and I need you and I fucking love you and it's tearing me apart. My chest is tight and my heart bursts with the need of you. I feel myself longing for you already, but fish can't fly and birds can't swim and our worlds are too far apart.
Chapter Six
Start from the beginning
