Introverts

Pros and Cons

"Sage said no." He sighs and I give him a sad smile.

"I'm sorry. Do you wanna try some of my hair stuff?" Troye shakes his head and throws his phone of my mattress lightly.

"No it's okay."

"I have a beanie, if you wanna try that."

"Yeah, that might work." I smile and walk around him to my dresser. I pull out my favorite gray beanie and toss it to him, probably more excited to see him in it then he is.
---
Troye jumps out of his seat indicating that first hour is now over and I sigh in relief. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed with the amount of times he's looked at me throughout this period. I should feel flattered, but instead I feel like if he looks at me enough he'll be able to see my feelings for him. We walk out of the door, saying our goodbyes and making plans for lunch.

I watch as he walks away, his hips swaying back in forth in a rhythmic pattern. This boy is just full of music. I turn on my heels and make my way to a bathroom, needing a place to sort out what I'm feeling. You know what I need? A pros and cons list. Yes I know how lame and nerdy of me, but before you go and judge my tactics just know that they work wonderfully. I set my bag down on the counter and watch myself for a second.

Pro, he makes me really happy.
Con, he makes me nervous and anxious anytime he's around.
Pro, he's helping me come out of my shell, not only with my hearing but my sexuality too.
Con, he distracts me from my school work and friends.
Pro, he's absolutely stunning and can make me melt with just a single touch.
Con, he makes feel all sorts of things I never knew I could.

And that's where my list stops. And I'm still confused and unsure. How can someone who makes you so incredibly happy make you so sad and flustered? I mean I should be singing from the roof tops and dancing in the rain. I was starting to get worried, with all of my friends having crushes and whatnot I was beginning to think I was incapable of human emotion. Troye showed me that that's not true under any circumstance.

I think the thing that scares me the most, is what it means to have feelings for someone. Being deaf has already put so many limitations on what I can control in my life and now not being able to control things like my thoughts and my emotions when Troye is around makes me uncomfortable and frustrated.

I find myself constantly in pain thinking about all the ways this could go wrong and how I'm not right for him and it's not healthy. What if Troye is not really gay and just kissed me out of pity? I mean, he acted normal and happy this morning but happiness is easy to fake. I don't know what's wrong with me. Last night was perfect, all of today has been perfect and yet my entire being is shaking with fear. And it's all Troye's fault. I can't have one thought that doesn't lead back to him. Anytime I'm alone I imagine what it'd be like with him there. He's making me feel things I've never felt before and it's ripping me apart slowly. Just kissing him isn't enough.

I need to know what his palm feels like when he's nervous, and how much butter he wants on his popcorn. I need know what his sweaters feel like against my bare skin, how the fabric will weigh down my shoulders. Without that, I'm nothing. And I know that sounds dramatic and very cliche but I honestly don't care. I want that, the cliche romance and the relationship I've only seen in books and movies. I can picture that with Troye. And that has me totally wrecked.

I place my hands in my hair and pull roughly. I need to stop thinking, i need to get away from Troye, I need- holy shit.

There's a light ringing in my ears, or what I think is a ringing. I stumble out of the bathroom, my backpack now hanging on my shoulder loosely. I pull out my phone and check the time, 5 minutes into second hour. The ringing increases slightly and I burst through the office doors. Mrs. Burr looks up at me and I try my best to smile. I know she's saying something but the ringing is distracting me from seeing what she's saying. It's not painful, just distracting. Since the accident happened I've heard nothing, not even in the slightest. And now I can hear real ringing. Am I relived or scared?