Just what I'm thinking about..

What's Stuck in the Princess

I keep telling myself I'll change.
That I'll stop.
That I'll be better for the people I care about-clean up the mess, hide the cracks, tape together the parts of me that aren't safe to look at.
Because I liked someone.
Genuinely.

And for once, I wanted to protect something instead of destroy it. I wanted them to never see the dirty parts, the sharp parts. I thought I could save them from me.

But of course, I did the opposite.
I got worse.
I became the very thing I was trying to bury.
Something even shittier than my dad.
That dumbass. That ghost in my blood.

I used to blame him for everything, but maybe I'm just another version of him, wearing a younger face.

I'm stuck in the skin he made.
Like it's stitched into me-his rage, his cruelty, his habit of pushing everyone away before they get the chance to leave.
A walking rejection.
A curse passed down.

Should I dye my hair?
Yeah. That's what people do when they want to feel reborn, right?
Bleach it out. Burn the old self away in a cloud of peroxide and pretend it's freedom.

But what if it's just another costume over the same rotting frame?

Fourteen days.
I said that to myself like it meant something.
Fourteen days left to live.
A countdown with no fire at the end-just silence.

Then I remembered-

wait.

No, I didn't.
I don't remember anything anymore.
Not who I wanted to be.
Not why I even cared.
I just know I want to sink again.

To fall back into the pit where it's quiet and no one expects me to speak, smile, heal.

I want to be bad again.
Broken again.

I want to rot beautifully, like a flower pressed between pages no one opens.

Because the loneliness?
It's sickening, yes.
But it sticks to your bones like warmth after frostbite.
You grow to love it.
The way pain is predictable.
The way being alone means no one can hurt you worse than you already have.

So I look at myself in the mirror..
not as a person.
Not as Ayden.
But as the monster.

I say it out loud this time.

"I'm the monster."

And weirdly, it feels good.
Like telling the truth, finally.
I grin a little.
Proud, maybe.
Not because I'm evil.
But because I stopped pretending.

I never wanted to be saved.
I just wanted everyone to stay away.

...And now they have.