About love

Aftermath

We are long lost. I have started forgetting times when we would hang out tho I still miss them. I miss waiting for you at our spot, waiting for you to message me when to go, finally seeing your siluette in the dark, hugging you and holding your hand. I miss the way you held my hand. To be honest I miss everything about you even tho we have been over for more than a year. Well its almost two years now. I cant fathom the fact that Ill have to live without you. Sometimes I don't even want to live without you. Besides it being hard, I don't see the reason to continue without you because I dont experience joy of life when I know I've lost my chance with you. I just don't feel happy with anything. Everything's just there, existing. I know I promised you that Ill keep on living and Im trying my best. But its so hard seeing your flat from my living room window every time I eat my breakfast. You mentioned that you once passed that window when going back home from gym, and now I make sure I look out of it more often, in a hope that Ill maybe see you once more, but it didn't happen still. I wonder, every single day, how you are and what youre doing. Do you still miss me? I know I cant fix things and that trust is long lost but oh God I wish I can turn back time(even tho I have NEVER in my life wanted to turn back time, because life if life right? Time goes one way only and I accept that), but God I wish I can. I wish every day that I can turn back time and just talk to you. Just express my feelings and everything would be good now. I know we both should've done it. It would have been so easy to avoid this. I cant believe I used to be so childing, playing games at the end to try and hurt you for leaving me. I allowed myself to hurt the person I loved the most and now how can I even trust myself to not hurt anyone else, to live a normal life when Im such a monster to myself. But its true that I "moved on". Its a normal way of life right? To try and move on after a heartbreak. To try and find happiness again.... I tried it. I had a lot of situationships since we ended things, but why? I just couldnt bare with the fact that I was alone without you. I needed someone to fill that void at all times just so I don't lose my mind and kill myself. I hated myself. I still do. I still want to kill myself. I still dont want to continue this life without you. But I promised you that I would never do that and do you even know how hard it is to wake up every day knowing nothing changed and Im stuck in that loop. I truly believe that if nothing changes, that Ill end up killing myself. Why did I allow myself this? To lose myself over a guy you ask? Well hes not just a guy to me. Hes literally the best person I have ever met in this whole world and in my whole life. Everything he does is amazing. The way he thinks, he does things, lives life if just so admirable. Hes the person I aspire to be one day. And for that, let me share a little secret - hes been my muse for 2 years or more even. I promised myself that noone in my life would know if I got a muse, only the muse will know but you guys dont know who I am so I want to share it here. He inspires me in everything I do. Hes charismatic, kind, generous, warm hearted, ambitious, affectionate, brave, empathetic, gracious, loyal, optimistic, sincere, driven, passionate and if I continued to describe him, there would be no good words left in dictionary. Hell, I dont even think Wattpad can accept that many words. When we used to hang out, he told me about learning how to be charismatic. He said that its one of the most useful traits a person can have and I remember admiring how observant he is, how he want to change for better and actually works towards it every day. He wants to be better and really live life.

Its another week without him. I think ive been thinking about him nonstop. I just can not fathom the fact that its over. I lost him. If it comes the time when this wattpad story isnt updated, i probably ended my life. I just cant cope with it. Its harder and harder every day. I dont understand why its like this