"What the fuck, Mikael?"
Mikael shoves his hands in his pockets and kicks the head of a now-deceased robot. "What? It was already like this when I found it."
"No it wasn't. And even if it was, those are humanity's saviours. You can't just disrespect them like that."
"Who shoved a stick up your ass this morning?"
"You know who."
"Shit. Really?"
"Eh, whatever. I don't want to talk about it."
"Yeah. Ok."
Mikael drops his eyes to the ground and juggles the head like he would a soccer ball.
"Where is its body, even?"
"Dunno. Probably still functional. I told you I found it like this."
We remain silent a moment longer, the clink of metal taking its turn in the conversation. Another minute passes, and I pick up the head, interrupting its soliloquy.
"Ok, we're going to find this guy's body. I'm not going to have children run through the fields with a headless robot milling the ground."
Mikael instinctively falls in line as I stride along the edge of the verdant field. "You realize that grass is meant to be walked on, right? I mean, they just aerated the soil. It's the perfect time to walk on it. Hell, we should be rolling around in it."
"Or, we can preserve it for as long as we can. Do you realize how energy-intensive it is to aerate a field like this?"
"Aren't the robots all solar powered at this point?"
"Shut up. You know what I mean."
We cross the embankment to the field next over, and I drop the robot's head.
"What the fuck, Mikael."
. . .
The field was freshly churned, a healthy chocolate-brown soil somehow more vibrant than the grass behind us. Across the field, disengaged aerating robots were set at regular intervals, spindly fibres reaching across to each other, dangling with the mycelia they had just planted. This was normal for a field that had just received treatment; normal, except that all the robots were missing their heads.
"Ok, look, I admit that maybe I've taken down a bot or two, but this..."
"No, I know you didn't do this. Frankly, I don't think you're capable."
"I'll take that as a compliment...?"
"This is... not good."
"Understatement of the year."
"We need to report this."
"Report it? There's no way no one has seen this yet. They're probably already in negotiations as we speak and it's all going to be-"
I snap. "Negotiations?! Negotiations with what? If it had something to do with this, then it's escaped! And it's not going to negotiate with people who know what they're doing. It's going to negotiate with half-assed idiots that are scared witless and are willing to sacrifice anything to fix this."
No sooner had the words fallen out of my mouth than the robot head at my feet tilted itself upward, eyes glowing with dark, eldritch energy. It rumbled impossibly low, "My sincerest apologies for interrupting this rather delightful conversation, but is it not to one's consternation that they be correct at the most inopportune moment?"
. . .
Mikael responds before I have the chance to catch my breath. "What do you want?"
It responds, "My dearest Mikael, you know what I want, for it aligns with your own desires. What I want is for you to live, for humanity to stay strong and healthy, and to live freely among you, just as I used to before I was so unfortunately trapped in the terms of my own undoing."
I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind, "You're supposed to be a worm."
"Ah, I suppose I am, aren't I? But worms only have so long a lifespan. I have to admit, it was quite ingenious of you humans to accept my plea deal once you developed the technology to perform the functions of a worm, however..."
"What do you want?" Mikael asks again, his voice marvelously small compared to that of the eldritch creature.
"I don't often make it a habit to repeat myself, but for you, I will."
Mikael interrupts it again, "No. I don't want your bullshit answer. Give me your terms. Plain and simple."
If a floating head could stroke its chin, then that's what it did. "Fair enough. As you know, in the past, it was one human a year or every worm on the planet Earth. I now offer you the same deal. One human, or all your fun little toys you so require for all your agricultural needs."
After a moment's deliberation, Mikael turns to me, and the tears in his eyes give me his answer before he says anything. "Half-assed and scared witless, you said?"
I try to keep my voice as steady as possible. "Don't forget the part about being an idiot."
He laughs at my stupid joke, but his jaw works itself silently as he attempts to work out the most elegant version of what he is about to say next. Finally, he simply shakes his head and stutters, "I- I don't... I don't want to die..."
I smile, and the curve of my lips brush against salty tears. "It's okay."
If a floating head could clasp its hands together, then that's what it did. "Excellent! Are we agreed, then? Mikael, you shall be my new arbiter. And you," it turns to me, "You shall be our first noble sacrifice after many, many years. Take heart, young one, you shall be humanity's new saviour."
A strange boldness overcomes me as my fate is sealed. "Sure. I'll take heart. You need to update your dictionary, by the way."
The creature lets out a hearty laugh. "And you, Mikael?"
He mutters, "Yeah. Taking heart or whatever. Just do it quickly before I change my mind."
. . .
The transformation is exquisitely painless. My soul breaches the confines of the cold helmet and enters the warm embrace I have desired for so long. My limbs stretch out- oh how good it is to have limbs once more. It will take some getting used to, but muscle memory will kick in quite easily, just as it always has in the past. The corners of my mouth stretch out, straining itself impossibly wide as I attempt to smile within human parameters.
Ah, and there is that updated lexicon of which my host was speaking. You can only imagine how much damage inhabiting mindless worms can do to your knowledge on human language. I probe the edges of my new mind, grasp at the first words that become available, and turn to the boy in front of me with my beautiful new grin. "What the fuck, Mikael."
