You know the feeling when you work hard for something that needs your 100% of effort? I felt that every day. I always thought that I did work for my future wellness. I thought I knew love by my devotion to this work. Somehow, it managed to get love itself into my life, in a strange way. I did things in an "automatic" action which leaded to everything I wanted, through discipline, order, respect and certainly... the less attachment and bonds that were possible. That was my everyday doing.
Do not misunderstand me, of course I'm human and I need of human bonds, like everyone else. It was just that I was happy being cold and believing in these ideas I'd followed for most of my life. I was not a total hermit, could also be a sociable person if I felt it was worth it... Only add somewhere in my being a consciousness of how not to harm people or it's feelings...that was me.
Somehow, love found its way through my complicated being and suddenly, all I did help me to have a "normal, even not knowing much" reaction towards love. I can say, those were some of the happiest days in my life.
Now you know a bit about me, so... let me tell you how it was the first time I saw her. The day I knew something in my life could change.
Alex
I arrived to my class room seating in my place, getting my things in order for the rest of the day, book and notebooks arranged by class and hour. Two sits by my right side, a familiar face saw me and smiled at me.
I smiled back at my friend, Kaisha, a tiny girl with brown/grey dreamy eyes and, normally, always with a smile on her face. She said something to the guy next to me and switched places, now she was closer to me.
"Hi Alexis! How was your summer this year?" she started. I got prepared, knowing that my friend could be talkative as a parrot.
"Pretty normal, I didn't leave town actually"
"Really? I thought you were gonna go some were like... I dunno, may be USA..." Ever since I told her I had been born in San Francisco she had a curious inclination assuming I'd spend all of my free time there. Still, my parents are from Mexico, therefor, I'd live in Mexico for as long as I wish.
"...No, I stayed here, remember, economy is not going well" Conversation continued with her narration of a funny dinner with her cousins on a nearby state, she'd spend many holydays with them.
I knew most of my classmates for at least three years now, so you could say most of them were my friends. The new ones in class were two brothers, twins actually, James and Arthur, who appeared to fight every two minutes for any reason, still they seemed friendly. Oddly, no one knew a lot about me. No one knew I was gay, I believe the accurate term would be lesbian, though I knew the term long after I knew it. I was not happily showing it off, that's never being my attitude, certainly not when my mother, whom with I live, is homophobic. But even talking about more common talkative topics, no one certainly knew my likes or aspirations for life.
I'm one of those people who are normally quiet, in the inside my mind works very fast, you could say it "talks" all I don't. I'm used to analyse almost everything and everyone just to have a general idea of who that person is and what might be his/her story, but only as a mere entertainment. This year it happened to still be my best strategy.
The first three hours finished, we were very grateful for that. It was the first day and no one knew very well the extension of every class. I went with Kaisha to the cafeteria and we ate something while we talked and waited for the next class to begin.
"This is great isn't it?" She said looking at me.
"What's great?" I asked leaving my sandwich on the plate.
"We are here in high school, aren't you excited?" I denied with my head, giving another bite to my lunch. Kaisha was confused.
"Should I be?" I asked raising an eyebrow.
"Well, practically all of our classes are new and I'm sure you've heard that we are the first generation to get science in English, therefor, Biology would be much more 'fun'"
"All right, I've heard that but, what's all the mystery for? Nothing would happen"
"Come on Alex! You're telling me you are not a bit afraid?... I don't believe you"
" Oh please. I'd be afraid of someone I dunno knowing my entire life and secrets, not for a new class given in another language"
With that we finished our "talk" and I started to get up of my chair with Kaisha right behind me still with a confused look on her face. I could say the rest of the day was normal. It was still Monday around 3:00 PM when we leave the classroom wondering if every day of the week would last as much as this one. Sure it was a bunch of new stuff we'll have to learn, but it was exhausting, and there was another bunch of homework to do for the next day. Mentally, I congratulated myself for being focused at my studies and therefor, needless to say, single.
Next morning I woke up at 5:00AM in order to do some exercise, prepare my breakfast and get the uniform ironed. I've always liked waking up early when sunlight hasn't arrive to this part of the world. By 7:00 I was at school wondering what might be the new subjects I'll get. There were still no printed schedules for us.
The entire classroom was chatting and rabbiting full voice volume when we heard footsteps from the stairs and everyone kept silence. The door opened as a young woman entered the room. She was slim, not in an exaggerated way but, delicate, she had black long hair, pale skin and blue eyes... I was not used to checkout people, but I couldn't seem to restrain myself from doing so. The room was so quiet I thought everyone could her my thoughts.
<<Angels live among us...Bloodyhell, besides the fact that she's my professor I shouldn't be noticing anything else about her...>>
I was holding my breath and immediately changed that afraid I could drag attention.
I could not believe what kind of strange arrangement my mind had done with my ethic, or exactly when it started, but by the end of that day there was just one question repeating itself in my mind.
Is it too bad to have feelings for someone without asking or hoping for anything in return?
That was the first time I saw her.
