True Intimacy

For my Winter Haven who is in heaven.

If you had lived, my sweet angel, you would be napping peacefully with your twin.

If you had lived, my Winter Haven, you would give me a lopsided grin as you played peek-a-boo for the 5th time in a row.

If you had lived I would be able to touch your soft skin.

If you had lived you would be a big 1 year old running the show.

you would be learning how to walk,

and you would be learning how to talk.

You would grow in to a child and laugh until your belly hurt.

You would make many friends because you would be so sweet.

You would still let me hold you when you got your feelings hurt,

And we would bake in the kitchen because you were craving something sweet.

You would grow into a beautiful teenager,

and possibly go on your first date.

You would probably rebel out of anger, 

because you were our sassy girl since day one.

You would graduate and go to college.

You would probably become something wild like an artist. 

And even if you didn't go to college,

We would hug you with pride.

You would live and you would love,

and you would probably get your heart broken.

But, that's okay, because you would be strong and pick yourself back up.

You would visit often, because you loved your mom and dad, 

and you would be best friends with your brother. 

If you had lived you would love us just as much as we loved you.

But, you are not here, not physically at least, but you are in our hearts and in our thoughts every moment of every day.

Although we think of who you would be today, Winter Haven, we must trust that, one day, we will get to raise you, and love you as much as we do now.

And if I had the chance to hold you right now my sweet baby,

I would hold you so tight and tell you how special you really are.

I would tell you that I loved you more than my own life.

If I had the chance to do it all over again

I would in a heart beat.

I would take those eight months back,

and cherish every single moment i had with you.

If I had to lose you all over again,

my heart would break into a million pieces,

but it would be worth it just to hold you again and to smell your sweet hair.

I would get to hear you cry again and feel your warmth on my skin. 

I would get to look at your perfect lips and your perfect face,

and i would never take it for granted. 

And if i had the choice to never had held you in my arms,

or to have loved and lost you I would choose to have you.

Because you had shown me what real love was

and you had gifted me with being my daughter.

You will always be one of the best things to have ever happened to me,

and I promise you I will hold you again some day. 

I love you Winter Haven.

Love always,

mommy.