"Ann, gusto kita."
"Gusto din kita Renz."
I could still remember the time when he confessed to me. Pulang-pula ang dulo ng tenga niya at nanginginig ang kanyang kamay habang inaabot ang tangkay ng pulang rosas. Pawisan siya noon at tila hihimatayin. Pero ang cute parin.
Renz. Naging magclassmates kami first year high school. We were both in the second section, but at the end his performance qualified for the first section. Hindi kami naging magclassmates sa 2nd year. Okay lang kasi hindi naman kami ganoon ka close. Kaya gora lang.
3rd year, nabalik siya sa second section dahil medyo mababa ang grades niya sa previous school year So, classmates ulit. Naging mas malapit kami kasi naman may bond na na nabuo throughout the years. Naging mag close friends. Palaging magkasama. Partners in crime pa nga. Kuya pa nga ang tawag ko sa kanya.
Cliche, but I couldn't stop myself from liking him. I thought it was just a simple crush considering that he's good looking, smart, and a gentleman. I tried to stop the feeling because I knew that it isn't right and he was already with somebody that time. But hell, I couldn't. The faster time flies, the deeper my fall is. It became more harder when we were paired in a musical play. It's difficult to pretend that you're cool with the idea of him holding your hand and telling sweet nothings for the sake of the drama. And worst, his girlfriend is always there to watch, confident enough that everything is just plain acting, which isn't for me.
Iniwasan ko siya para pigilan ang damdamin ko pero lalo namn siyang lumalapit without the slightest idea that I'm in love with him. Kung saan ako uupo, tatabi siya. Kung saan ako tatambay, doon din siya makikisiksik. Na-iisue tuloy kami. Buti na lang hindi nakaabot sa girlfriend niya. Lol.
Hindi niya rin ako nilubayan kahit sa texts. Minsan umaabot kami ng madaling araw kaya naman pagklase na, bangag ako. Nakakalito. Ang sarap umasa ka kahit katiting na meron kahit alam mong wala talaga. Gusto kong mag assume pero di ko sure kung saan banda. It's like hoping for someone whom you know that you're already hopeless.
Kasabay ng pagtatapos ng school year ay ang pagtatapos ng relasyon nila ng girlfriend niya. I don't have an idea why. Yet I was silently celebrating.
He was again transfered in the first section. And I thought that that was the sign for me to move on and forget the stupid feelings I have for him. I was ready to let go when he confessed to me.
"Ann, gusto kita."
"Gusto din kita, Renz."
After the confession, nothing happened. We just had this mutual understandung that we liked each other. Yun, M.U. I told him na bata pa ako para pumasok sa isang relasyon. I was so happy when he said that he was willing to wait. I was mentally crossing my fingers to that thought.
Special friends. Not just friends, not lovers. Basta something in between. I was okay with our setup. Gabi-gabi kaming magkatext, magkasama tueing vacant and there's this communication that no one could understand but us. We would exchange looks as if we could send telephatic messages.
Everything was sweet.
Well, at first.
Not until he got linked to this certain girl. Her name was Irene. She was pretty and smart. Seatmates din sila ni Renz which was one of the reasons why they are so close with each other. Click na click sila since they share the same interests. Loveteam sila sa first section. I tried teasing him with her but he just told me not to mind. Irene and him were just friends. Daw.
My friends seemed to notice their closeness. I told them it was okay since Renz already told me what's the real deal between him and her. And they would just give me that ang-martyr-mo-girl look. I get jealous, of course. I'm stupid if I don't, pero mahirap dahil hindi naman officially kami. Wala naman kaming relasyon. Special friends, oo, pero friends pa rin.
People like Irene and Renz together. Bagay sila. Parang korean loveteam in flesh. They would make a great pair. Ang hirap kasi hindi ko alam saan ako lulugar. Mas maganda nga din naman kasi pakinggan ang Irenz keysa sa Annrenz.
Kaiyak.
I was crying without him knowing. He kept on asking me what was wrong but I couldn't bring myself telling him. Magmumukha akong tanga. Hindi pa nga kami, ang possessive ko na. I thought I could hide my feelings but my friends were frank enough to tell him in my behalf. I waited for his reaction, but there was none.
Wala akong narinig mula sa kanya for a week. We would often see each other in the hallway or in the school gate but he would just look at me with his expression, unreadable.
Akala ko wala na. Akala ko tapos na. Akala ko move na naman. Galit ako sa kanya. Ang sarap isaksak sa baga niya ang 'I'm willing to wait' niyang nalalaman. Pero mas galit ako sa sarili ko kasi napakagaga ko, M.U. lang kami pero kung makaselos ako parang sinagot ko na siya.
And then, one night he called me. He was sorry for the issue and told me that he'll start to avoid Irene. The next day, the latter confronted me. Nakakahiya. Wala palang alam yung tao na may issue ako tungkol sa kanila ni Renz. She explained that they were good friends. I was relieved.
By that, we are back to where we left off. Parang walang nangyari. Special friends pa rin. Hehe.
The setup went for years. People say that we look like couples already. Label na lang ang kulang. Ang weird ko daw kung bakit di ko pa siya sinasagot eh ang tagal na. But I didn't care. Almost lovers na nga ang tawag sa amin. Yeah, almost.
But as the saying goes, almost is not enough.
As we graduated from college, we also let each other go. Well, siya ang nauna. The day after graduation, I was over the moon nang sinabi niya sa aking ayaw na niya. Ready na sana akong sagutin siya. Kung kailan handa na ako, napagod na siya. He fell out of love.
Hanggang doon lang nga siguro. Hanggang special friends lang siguro talaga.
Umiyak ako ng ilang araw. Ang sayang kasi. Akala ko pang-forever na. But I knew that's how Annrenz should end. Kasalanan ko din naman. It was hard at first. Nang matapos akoang umiyak, naging okay na ako. Maybe it was never meant to last. Maybe I was just a chapter to his life and so he is to mine.
We became friends. Nakakatawa lang kasi wala din namang nagbago. Well, I am happy for the twist of events. Renz went to Australia to work and there he met Irene. And that's how their road to forever began. Ako ay isang malaking balakid sa kanilang love story. Kontrabida. Pampadelay. Hahaha. They found true love in each other's arms.
And me? Well, I'm still crossing my fingers to the thought of finding mine.
-----x
