Hold Me Close (Edited Version)

Chapter 6

Ryan was looking at me, an unreadable expression on his face as he listened. I took a deep breath and went on. "It didn't... turn out as well as my mother and I thought it would." Another breath with a tighter throat. "My mom couldn't pay the bills or rent from all her gambling debts and we eventually got evicted. We moved to a small apartment in a bad part of town and my mom started smoking and using drugs. I... did too. I was depressed so I went to my school's doctor and got free antidepressant medicine."

Ryan looked slightly shocked. "You didn't try overdosing did you?" he asked.

I put my arms around myself for even the smallest barrier between myself and his judgmental eyes. "I did; I failed. I tried more than once, but for some reason, it would never work. I'd wake up exactly where I started and I would be completely fine," I explained. "Barely a headache."

Ryan dropped his eyes. "Why would someone do that...?" he whispered.

I clenched my teeth, angry at all the memories this explanation was dragging up. "It was their fault. Everything would have been fine if my mother had never started dating those men," I said. "She'd have a new one every few weeks or so and they all ended up the same. Perverted, drunk, abusive jerks. They saw me as baggage or loose trash. I was nothing more to them other than sometimes their punching bag of amusement."

"That's horrible," Ryan said. 

I pulled my legs up onto the bean bag and held them to my chest. "I just wanted... I wanted someone to tell me I was special, that I mattered," I said. "So, I met Connor."

Ryan looked up. "Who's Connor?" he asked. 

I shook my head subconsciously, wishing he hadn't asked. "In the beginning, I thought it was love at first sight. We both clicked or something. He asked me out and I thought my world might be turning up," I explained. "So, I accepted and we started going out."

I could feels tears welling up and I had to close my eyes, my voice getting tight. "But after a while... it felt less and less like real love. I began to wish I had never known him. All he ever wanted was sex and I didn't feel like that was what love was," I said, unable to stop the tears from dripping down my cheeks. "I didn't want to upset him though, so I didn't say anything. I ignored what I knew was right and went along with the charade. Until it got worse and I couldn't stand to be around him anymore. I started to avoid him as much as I could."

"As much as you could doesn't sound like for good," Ryan said.

I wiped my face. "He noticed and things got awful." The memories came rushing back and I couldn't wipe away any more tears. They streamed down my face in a never ending river of pain. 

Ryan quickly got up from his chair and hurried over. He pulled me into a hug and I put my face in his shoulder. "Shhhh..." he said soothingly. "Calm down. If it was this bad, you didn't have to talk about it. I'm sorry for making you relive such a painful experience." He stroked my hair.

I sat back and shook my head. "I want to tall about it..." I insisted. "Like you said, it helps."

He gave me a soft, caring smile and put his arms around me again. "Okay... If that's what you want," he said.

I nodded and took a breath to ease my stuttering voice. "He grew angry that I didn't want to h-hang out and started forcefully coming over or making me come to his place. It made things at home harder because my mom's boyfriends didn't want anyone over, and I had a curfew, so when I would go to Connor's, I'd get home late. A beating always following..." I said.

Ryan rubbed my back comfortingly and I was able to hold myself together to continue the story, though I didn't want to. "I tried again to overdose and this time it worked. I woke up in the hospital a week later. I'd hoped that, even if I didn't die, I might have been able to get some attention to my dad and I was right. A month after the incident my dad showed up at the apartment. He demanded my mother let me live with him, but she refused. She said she wouldn't go down without a fight and so we went to court."

I had calmed down some and swallowed the rest of my tears. "After a long couple of weeks of arguing and sleepless nights, my dad won the case and I was allowed to live with him," I said. Ryan looked at me with concern as I wiped my eyes dry. "That was two weeks ago. I've not seen or heard from my mother or Connor since," I finished.

Ryan didn't say anything and I looked away, knowing this had probably ruined everything we had built over the last week. "I told you," I said. "You can't see me the same now, I'm just a mistake..."

He shook his head. "You're right. I can't. But I still see you as my friend, an honest person, and a human being who has made mistakes and been hurt by others' mistakes just like everyone else," he said. I felt the lump return and I swallowed thickly. Ryan gave me a stern look and pulled me into a tight, caring hug. "Don't ever call yourself a mistake," he said harshly into my ear. "You're not even close."

The warmth holding me at that time felt like heaven. I had never felt such a feeling and I didn't ever want him to let go. I wanted to stay like this forever. But I still had doubts. The part of me that finally pulled away asked me if I really deserved such care. I didn't have answer for it.

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