I watched as Deans body was torn to shreds by invisible hellhounds and Ruby was possessed by Lilith. Sam, Bobby and I powerless to stop the terror that I had witnessed. Unknowingly I was screaming and tears started pouring down my cheeks. A half sob and half screams escaped my throat as I watched the father of my unborn child be torn to shreds.
"Stop y/n. He's gone" I didn't realize I had been struggling against Sam who was holding me back from the scene unfolding.
"I didn't get to tell him in time" my voice broke as I sank to my knees sobbing uncontrollably being held by Sam who was confused by what I meant. "I'm pregnant" I had managed to choke out as the tears keep falling. I couldn't get the last conversation I had with Dean. the way we argued about how he was tired of hunting and protecting Sam. My heart broke at the many hurtful things we had said the night prior. I wanted him to fight this deal with Lilith but he refused and made me promise that I would live a normal life after he was gone. Now that he was I would keep that promise and raise our baby normally. Dean made Sam promise to take care of me and to not find a way to bring him back. My heart ached as I sobbed harder and eventually passed out still being held by Sam.
The silence fell heavy around us like a suffocating blanket, even though my cries had barely ceased. When I woke, the room was dim, flickering light from the nearby fireplace casting uncertain shadows on the walls. My throat burned, raw from screaming, and my body ached from grief that had set deeply into my bones. For a fleeting, disoriented moment, I thought it had all been a nightmare. That I'd wake up to Dean's deep laugh, his voice calling me "y/n, sweetheart." That he'd walk in through the door, bloodied but alive, that crooked grin on his face like always.
But when I turned my head, eyes landing on Sam, sitting on the edge of the couch, staring wordlessly into the fire, the truth hit like a hammer to my chest. I gasped in a breath I hadn't even realized I'd been holding. Dean was gone. The father of my child. My person. Torn to ribbons by hellhounds I couldn't see, leaving only the memory of his pain behind.
Sam turned to look at me, his face lined with exhaustion and something that I could only guess was guilt. "You were out for a while," he said softly, his voice uncertain, like he didn't quite know how to talk to me now.
I struggled to sit, wrapping my arms around myself. The sound of my own confession—
I'm pregnant
—thundered in the back of my mind. The way his face had paled when I'd said it, the way his hands had faltered in holding me, blended together in a haze. It felt surreal. The person I needed most in the world was gone, and now I was bound to his memory through the tiny life growing in me.
"Sam," I croaked, my voice hoarse. "I—I didn't mean for you to find out like that." Tears threatened again but I blinked them back for now. "I... I don't know what to do." My words came out in a whisper, almost like saying them louder made the reality more solid.
He sighed, rubbing his face roughly with both hands before dragging them through his messy hair. His usual stoic demeanor was cracked wide open, and the pieces hurt to look at. "Y/n... Dean wanted you to have a chance. To live. That's why he..." His voice faded into raw silence, as if even he couldn't say the words aloud without breaking.
"I never got to tell him," I said shakily. "Not about this. Not about—" My hand instinctively went to my stomach. "The baby. He would've... he would've been so—"
"He knew how much you loved him," Sam interrupted, his voice firm but pained. "Dean did what he thought was best. He wouldn't want you blaming yourself, not for this. And I sure as hell am not letting you carry that weight when he... when he wouldn't want that."
But the thing about guilt is that it doesn't listen to reason. I carried it anyway, silently, in the space where Dean used to be. His laugh, his smile, his touch—now ripped away by Lilith's cruel game. In the quiet moments after Sam's words, I felt like I had nothing left but memories of the man I loved and the promise of someone I hadn't yet met.
"I can't do this without him," I whispered. It wasn't a question or a hopeful plea. Just truth.
"You're not doing it without him," Sam said, watching me carefully. "Not really. He's here, y/n." Sam's large hands gestured toward my stomach, forcing me to meet his watery gaze. "He's with you. And I promised Dean—not to find a way to bring him back—but I swore I'd take care of you. Of both of you. That's not a promise I'm breaking."
A soft sob escaped me, but this time it was laced with something bittersweet. Sam's words were a lifeline, even if the hole Dean left couldn't ever truly be filled.
I didn't respond, but my fingers tightened over my stomach. I would keep Dean's promise, somehow. I didn't know how yet. All I knew was his memory would walk beside me, and in the tiny heart beating deep within me, Dean was still here. Still alive in some small, yet immensely powerful, way.
But even then, the quiet ache told me... loving someone like Dean? You don't ever really say goodbye.
