Tales From the Dragon Cave

Smoke and Mirrors • W a y n e

"Is it just smoke and mirrors..."

I start playing, vocalizing everything Dan and I talked about with this song, everything we debated about late at night and everything I saw in his eyes while he was singing it. It's one of those unreal moments, a time where I can close my eyes and let my fingers zing from fret to fret, bending strings the exact right amounts and hitting notes that flow perfectly with the last. It tells a story exactly how I wanted it to. Finally I stop, ending it with the perfect conclusion. It's good.

A second later, I hear clapping. I look up to see Ben, mysteriously at the studio this late at night and staring in wide-eyed shock at me. I immediately put my feet down on the floor again so I don't exactly look like I'm curled up around my guitar.

"Dude, why didn't you do that earlier? That's exactly the kind of thing we needed to finish it, that's perfect," he says, sitting down.

I swallow. "I was just playing around. I didn't mean for that to be in the song."

"But that sounds so good with it. Play it back."

Sighing, I go back to right before the end of what we created today, and let my solo play after it. Little criticisms bite at me, never ever allowing me to ever be satisfied with something I've made.

That note was flat. You should've sharped it. That one was too long. That part sounds stupid. The tone is obnoxious. You played that part too fast. That note isn't bent enough. That part sounds choppy. It's too long. The ending sounds bad. It's bad.

"Wayne, that was awesome. Let us put it in the song. Please."

"I don't like it. I told you, I was just messing with it."

"Come on. It would make Dan really happy, he loves your solos..."

I roll my eyes. "We'll figure something else out. Okay? I don't want to put a solo on it."

"You never want to put solos on anything! You gotta get over this whole out of the spotlight thing, man, we're a rock band."

"And that's what sets us apart. I'm not calling any attention to myself and that's the way I like it." I slip my guitar off my shoulders and set it down next to me.

"Dan doesn't like the attention much more than you do. You don't need to just make him sound better all the time, he gets so much attention already."

"As he should. He's fucking incredible, I don't want anyone to stop watching him."

Ben sighs. "You know for someone who's always telling Dan to like himself more you hate yourself quite a bit."

"I thought we were talking about music," I mutter. "I don't hate myself."

"You cringe listening to your own stuff and it's fucking amazing! Why?"

"I don't like when people pay attention to me, alright? I don't like when people make a big deal out of what I write and I don't like when people make a big deal on my birthday or whatever and I fucking hate when people make a big deal out of it when I have a problem. Okay? I am so, so much happier watching him get the love because he's so fucking talented and he deserves it."

"But so are you." Ben looks sad. "Don't you ever want to feel appreciated?"

"I do. I just...like seeing other people happy."

It may not be entirely true. The less I show off the less I feel like I'm doing everything worse than I could. The less people give me compliments the less I have to dwell on them and whether or not I believe them.

"You know, I'm a bassist. I'm not supposed to be heard. But you don't have to be like that. I know you love playing solos. And I know you like to be our big brother who's always looking out for us but god, you need to remember you exist sometimes. That's all. I'm going home. I left my apartment key here and Platz left his in the house."

"Why haven't you guys gone home since-"

"Shhhh..." He winks, twirls his key around his finger and leaves.

+++

I walk into the studio a little late the next day. After Ben left last night I found myself just sitting there and thinking about how I live my life, and it got a little too big and deep for my liking so I left.

But as I walk in I hear them all listening to the solo I recorded last night, Ben with a smug smile on his face, Platz tapping his foot and nodding to the beat, and Dan with his eyes closed and a grin. I sigh, roll my eyes and sit down in an empty chair to wait until it's over. When it is, they turn and see me sitting there.

"They like it," Ben says.

"I don't," I grumble.

"Why don't you like it? I like it. I always like your solos," Dan says. Of course Ben showed it to Dan because he knows I can't say no to Dan.

"I just...think it's a bit much. Maybe I could do a shorter solo and then we can do something else for the end."

"Won't sound as good," Platz says.

Ben gives me an expectant look and I sigh.

"You like playing solos," Dan says.

"I like playing them. I just don't really like listening to them."

Ben suddenly sits upright. "I'm gonna play it again. And I want you to play along with it and pretend we're playing a show."

This whole argument is rather stupid, I think. I don't see why they're spending so long dwelling on a dumb solo. But I pick up my guitar and do what Ben says, zoning out a little as I play. It's always better when I play it. But I only reach halfway through before I stop and just listen. And I'm able to see it in a live setting and in people's headphones instead of through my own over-critical ears. And I like it.

"Will you please let us put it in?" Dan says once it's over. "For me?" He gives me his damn puppy dog eyes which finalizes the decision for me, and I roll my eyes again and nod as if they're barely forcing me.

Because I'm fucking stubborn and I'll never admit it when I actually listen to them.

But deep down, I guess it wouldn't kill me to listen sometimes.

Fall to the ground...without a sound...