Bullshit Stories Presents: Detective Claw Raptor

Chapter 1: I'm Jeff the Raptor

There was  once a man who went by the name of Jeff. His father, as you all may know him was Dr. Grant (Alan Grant if you may). Remember all those times Dr. Grant was off screen in the movie Jurassic Park? He was off with Patty the Raptor. Dr. Grant and Patty of course hit it off and had a few drinks one night. Nature took its course and bam. The little bullshit named Jeff was born.
Crazy how they had Jack Daniels but no protection in Jurassic Park huh? 
Dr. Grant being a vampire didn't think he could get the Raptor pregnant, but Dr. Grants pull out game weak. Doing everything possible to get off the island took him a while but managed to escape not wanting to claim the baby. "Fuck that" were his last words. That baby, however, once born and able to walk, was able to go to the nearest shell  gas station and get a ride from a very tall, feathery, yellow man. 
"Where too kid?" Asked the stranger.
"Can you take me to America?" 
The stranger baffled didn't know what to say, "That's crossing the ocean little man." 
Jeff pouted and threw a spoon at the stranger, "TAKE ME TO AMERICA."
Convinced, the stranger hit the gas pedal and was off towards the ocean. 
"What's your name?" Jeff said, looking straight into the strangers soul. 
"My names Craig but you can call me Big Bird. What's your name?"
"Jeff." 
"I'm sorry." apologized Big Bird.  Jeff starred at him not knowing why he was sorry. "That's a terrible name Jeff."
"Fuck off you feathery yellow piss looking bird." 
Offended, Big Bird pulled over in front of the beach and told Jeff to get the fuck out. Jeff obeyed, but not before he threw a spoon at him again. 
Driving away, Jeff was left alone in front of the pacific ocean. Frustrated, he shouted "HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY!"
Silence followed after his plead to The Beatles. "I'm so stupid... they can't hear me. They're all in the UK." 
Jeff walked closer to the ocean and wondered how long it would take him to swim from Jurassic Park to America. Or maybe Florida. 
Taking out a blunt, he took a puff and started too think. "If my calculations are correct... I should be able to get to America in about 20 or maybe 25 minutes, depending on traffic." 
Jeff was the smartest human on the island, his best subject in school was math obviously. 
All the dinosaurs wished they were him. He doesn't blame them. 
"Aye, pssst." Jeff startled started to look around wondering where the noise was coming from. 
"Who's there?"
"Over here!"
Jeff quickly turned to the right and saw a human man. "You looking for a way to get to America?" 
"Yeah I am. My names Jeff." 
The tall blonde man extended his hand out, "I'm Barney." 
Jeff took his hand and gave him a puzzled look, "Funny... you don't look like a purple dinosaur." 
Rolling his eyes he smacked Jeff in the head, "No stupid, I'm Barney Stinson. Ya know from How I met your mother?"
Jeff gasped, "You met my mother?!"
"Oh for fuck sakes never mind. Wanna know how to get to America?" 
Jeff nodded with a smile. "Gross don't smile Jeff." 
His smile fell but he was still listening. "Alright, you see the water? get in it."
Jeff did what he was told to do and stood in the water. 
"Now, give me twenty bucks." When Barney realized he wasn't giving him twenty bucks he grew impatient, "Now!"
Taking out his gucci wallet, he gave him twenty dollars he found one time in his mothers toy chest or what ever she'd call it. 
"Now what?" Jeff asked. Barney said nothing and walked away.
Jeff was dumbfounded once again. He just got robbed and has wet Jordans. He couldn't believe it. 
Before getting out of the water, a fin in the water was in motion speeding towards him. Paralyzed, he waited what ever it was too attack and immediately regretted throwing his last spoon at Big Bird.