Even So

Chapter 1 Everything is Bigger in Texas

The sky is blue, and the sun is bright. The weather doesn't reflect how I'm feeling on the inside at all. Tree after tree; each one with the colorful greens and yellows dancing in the wind. I wish time would stop and everything would go back to the way it was. The train next to us is moving as slow as my thoughts are, inch by inch. I'm so tired, it's my personality - something I wear every day as an outfit. I used to see happiness. Now all I see is loneliness, separation; endless sorrow. I'm nothing like I used to be. My therapist, Dr. Connie, says I'm depressed. More people should be. Has the world always been this way? How could I have been so blind to the darkness of the world before now?

"Earth to Willow." I just realized I had zoned out for a minute. "Oh, uh, yeah Dad?" "I asked, are you nervous about school?"I try not to gag at the thought. "I don't know," is all I can muster. I should have been excited about senior year, but how could I be excited that this is how our lives turned out? "You'll be fine. I think we've been needing a fresh start, and I have a good feeling about where we are." He senses my mistrust and adds, "Look, I know this isn't the life we planned, but good or bad - everything happens for a reason." That's a statement I will never agree with. "Maybe you're right," I lie, to hopefully end this conversation. I hate having to think about having to meet new people. No one will understand my pain, and I don't want to waste my time trying to find people that do. I'm only here to graduate. I plan on sitting in the back of the classrooms, keeping my head down, being quiet, and no one will notice me.

We pull up to a massive furniture warehouse. Dad and I agreed we didn't want anything from our old life, not even furniture. "Now remember, you can get whatever you want. Price doesn't matter. Work gave me a bonus thanks to volunteering to move to Houston to manage the new location. We got a decent amount of money from selling our old furniture as well." We walk inside and are greeted by someone who tells us their store is expanding so everything is fifty percent off. Why is everything going right for my dad in the sake of money, but not going right for everything else in life? We both found the furniture sets we needed for our bedrooms pretty quickly. Dad got the room measurements from the realtor to make sure the furniture would fit. Once the bedrooms were crossed off the list, we proceeded to look for kitchen and living room furniture. "These seats will go perfectly under the kitchen counter. What do you think, Willow?" "It's whatever. It's just chairs," I state.

After what feels like a century of paperwork, we finally put the order, and head to our new house. The house somehow seems even less appealing than it did a few weeks ago when we came to see it. Back then, it still didn't feel real. Now it's crystal clear that this isn't a dream. It's a small two bedroom, two bathroom, brick house with a small living room but a decent sized kitchen. "At least we don't have a lot to carry in," Dad says with a half-hearted smile. I only have a snack stash and my diary in my backpack, a small luggage of clothes, and Oatmeal, my brown dachshund. Dad brings the air mattresses, sheets, and towels inside. "I'll be glad when I don't have to sleep on an air mattress anymore," I mumble, but he hears me and replies, "The furniture should be delivered tomorrow, so don't worry about sleeping on an air mattress for more than a night." I gather all my stuff into my arms, close the car door, walk up the porch and into the empty house that will never be my home. Despite the heat of the summer, the house feels cold from its emptiness. I set my stuff down next to the kitchen counter and walk out the back door. "Come on, Oatmeal. Let's go for a walk!" I call out to him. He comes running past me and drops to the ground, rolling his heart out. I find a seat on an old swing set that I'm sure kids in the past had many adventures on. I've only moved once before, and that was when I was seven in order to get a bigger home for our growing family. Now we're downsizing. We sold everything except our clothes at our estate sale. Dad reconnected with an old friend from high school during this process who networked him with a third person about a possible job offer. We both agreed that we wanted a fresh start despite the dread of starting a new school my senior year. He got the job fairly quickly because of his connections. I can't deny that I miss Mississippi and would much rather things go back to the way they used to be, but it turns out that no matter how hard I wish and pray to whatever gods may be out there, I can't change the past.
I take a moment to breathe in the environment and admire the sun as it gradually sets behind the trees. Why can't everything be this peaceful and beautiful? I wonder. Some things could definitely be worse, I try to convince myself. At least we found a house in a timely manner in a subdivision away from the inner city. From here, we can't even hear the business of traffic. I wish my thoughts would go away for a while and leave me at peace in this atmosphere.