Bada reached over, her hand brushing mine gently, but it was distant, detached. "I'm not rejecting you," she said, her voice soft but firm. "I'm just telling you the truth. I care about you, but not in the way you want me to. And I can't—" she paused, looking for the right words, "—I can't keep this up. It wouldn't be fair to either of us if we kept pretending."
Her words feel like a dagger to my heart. I try to focus on my breathing, to keep the tears at bay. "I don't know what to say. I thought... maybe we could figure this out."
She shakes her head slowly. "I don't think that's possible. I care about you, but not in the way you want me to. And it's not fair to either of us to keep pretending."
I nodded, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, trying to ignore the ache in my chest. "I get it. I'm not mad. I just... I just didn't realize how much I'd end up caring." My voice cracked at the end, betraying the emotions I was struggling to control.
There was another pause, a heavy silence hanging between us. Finally, Bada sighed. "I'm sorry. I really am." Her hand lingered near mine, but she didn't reach for it. She didn't pull away either.
"It's okay," I whispered, though it wasn't. It wasn't okay at all.
"I don't want you to feel like this," she said, her voice softer now, more vulnerable. "I just don't want you to get hurt."
I knew what she meant. She wanted to keep the distance between us, protect both of us from falling too deep. But the truth was, I was already in too deep. I had let my feelings bleed into something more, and no matter how much I tried to suppress them, they wouldn't go away.
"I don't want to hurt either," I replied, my voice thick with unshed tears. "But I don't know how to turn this off."
Bada exhaled slowly, the sadness in her eyes impossible to ignore. "I know. But that's why we need to end this now, before it becomes something neither of us can walk away from."
We sit in silence for a moment, the weight of the conversation settling over us. Bada reaches out, her hand brushing against my cheek in a final, tender gesture. The touch is both comforting and heartbreaking, a reminder of what we had and what we're losing.
"Goodbye," she says softly, her voice cracking slightly.
I watch as she stands up, gathers her things, and heads for the door. The sound of the door closing behind her is like a final, mournful note in a symphony of loss. I'm left alone in the apartment, the silence now a suffocating presence.
I sink down onto the couch, feeling the depth of the emptiness that Bada's departure has left behind. The room feels colder, the absence of her warmth a palpable force. I close my eyes, trying to hold back the tears, but they come anyway, spilling down my cheeks.
The ache in my chest is all-consuming, a reminder of the love that was never meant to be. I sit there, enveloped in the silence, trying to find some semblance of solace in the emptiness
The words stung more than I had anticipated. I wanted to scream, to plead, to make her see that I could do this with her—that I could be what she needed. But deep down, I knew this was the only way. She had made her choice.
And I had to respect it.
The evening that followed was marked by a strange sense of calm. It was as if the storm had passed, but the damage remained. We both knew where we stood, and yet, there was a finality to it all. And when Bada left that night, I couldn't stop myself from feeling the weight of all the things I would never get to say, all the feelings that would go unspoken.
The apartment feels emptier now, colder. But it's nothing compared to the hollow ache inside me.
END FLASHBACK
I get up and move aimlessly through the apartment, picking up objects and putting them down again. I adjust the pictures on the wall, tidy the coffee table, and straighten the throw blanket on the couch. The physical actions are mechanical, a desperate attempt to impose order on the emotional chaos inside me.
Kailangan kong idistract ang sarili ko. Kung hindi, tila mababaliw ako. Kaya kahit sobrang linis at ayos na nitong apartment, ginagalaw galaw ko ang mga bagay bagay upang ayusin lang din sa huli. At this point, baliw na yata ako.
I've been thinking lately on why on earth did I even agree to this set up. Alam ko sa sarili ko na mabilis akong maattach sa ibang tao. Am I just bored that night that's why I agreed? Did I hurt my head somewhere?
Ngayon pa talaga ako nagrant about sa agreement between us, ngayong matagal na naming ginagawa. Very funny Claire. I put myself in a situation wherein I thought I can't have feelings with this woman. But who am I to blame? She's the definition of PERFECTION in a relationship that a woman could ever wanted. Caring, thoughtful, being careful to everything she does, her touches that you could feel the respect and adoration.
She's the definition of a good man's traits to their partner. She's more of a man in a woman's body than any actual man could ever be. The traits and actions that made me fall in love with her. She's worth the risk and I'm willing to take all the risks if it means on having her in my life.
But what could I do? She's the opposite of me. She can't take the risks just to be with me.
PART 5
Comenzar desde el principio
