Healing Takes Time

Chapter 15

Mom looked satisfied, and Eren was just staring at his plate quietly. Connie was still digging into his peas. Mikasa rolled her eyes, and Dad looked disappointed.

I felt a sudden rush of anger surge to my chest. Jesus Christ, what the hell'd they want me to do? Repeat what Mikasa said? I may not be the fucking valedictorian of my class, but I sure as hell wasn't an idiot, and being treated like Connie was getting really old.

I clenched my fists under the table and my jaw hurt from just how tight I was biting. I took deep breaths in as quietly as I could. The last thing I needed was to be reprimanded for having emotions.

I barely heard Eren tell them that he wanted to stay because he wasn't a pansy, and Connie wasn't quite old enough to comprehend fully what was happening. He just babbled something about ice cream, earning a big grin from Mom. And when that happened, something in me snapped.

I got up and pushed my chair in deliberately before dumping what was left of my dinner in the trash and putting my plate in the sink. I could feel the eyes of my family watch me as I moved. I had broken the unspoken rule. It was just an agreement, I guess, that you had to wait until everybody was mostly done before you got up. It was only about ten minutes into the meal.

"Jean, what are you doing?" my mother asked gently.

I didn't answer her, just started putting my shoes on.

"Jean boy?" She sounded concerned now. "It's almost dark--you shouldn't go outside."

I shook my head as I looked up at the ceiling and laughed darkly. "Why do you guys care if I go out, anyway?"

She seemed confused. "We're your parents. Of course we care if you're outside at night. Especially if it's it's a different state with a murderer on the loose."

"Mommy, what's a murderer?" Connie asked.

She shushed him. "Not now, baby." To me she said, "We love you and don't want anything to happen to you."

I closed my eyes briefly. I wanted to hurt them the way that they hurt me. It had been a while since I'd felt like this--mostly because I always found some way to be away from them--and it didn't hurt any less than it did before.

"Really?" I asked, looking at her. "Because you do a wonderful job of showing it."

She seemed taken aback and hurt.

"Hey," Dad said quietly but forcefully. "That isn't necessary."

I swallowed the thickness in my throat and shook my head. "If that isn't then what is? Making me feel stupid? Making me feel like an outsider in my own house and even on a fucking family vacation?" I blinked several times to hold back tears. A sharp pain sliced through my belly--my my mental pain made physical.

His face grew dark, and I knew that I was in for it.

I opened the door and walked out, shutting it behind me. I was just off the porch when I heard the door open again. I started walking a lot faster. The grass was still wet and muddy from the rain, and the sky reflected the way I felt: downright foul.

"Get back inside," Dad's voice rang out. I ignored him and kept walking away, feeling tears threaten. I blinked several times to clear them. I wasn't gonna cry. Not for him.

"We aren't done talking. Get your ass back inside!"

That was when I started running. I heard him start running after me, and I ran faster. It didn't take very long for me to lose him.

I finally stopped running when I was sure that I'd left him behind. I looked around to find that I was on the path on the other side of the lodge in front of the actual A-frames. I crouched and buried my hands in my hair still fighting back tears.

Not over them. Not over them. Not over them.

It became a mantra in my head. Over and over.

Not over them. Not over them. Not over them. Not over them.

Time seemed to lose all meaning. I barely felt it when it started to rain again. I didn't know that I was even moving until I was running again. I didn't know where I was going until I finally stopped and looked up. I realized I was at cabin one. Marco's cabin. I didn't know why I came here, but I didn't question myself.

I ran up to the porch, and Marco opened the door before I could knock. My brain registered that he must've seen me through the window. He took one look at my shivering and wet form before he gathered me in a tight hug. "It's okay," he murmured in my ear. And no matter how much I repeated the mantra in my head, it didn't work. I started crying for the first time in five years.

* * *

Not gonna lie, I started crying when I wrote this chapter. Call me a baby, but I literally felt all the things Jean felt because it was just tapping into some bad memories of mine and using the emotion to write this scene.

Anyway, I hope it was emotionally stimulating enough for you guys. I'll try to post again tomorrow.

--Shelby