Whisper Book

Summary of my struggles

Before I start, I wanted to state the reason why i started doing this ( writing my unsaid feelings)

So just in case I will be reading this in the future, I wanted to emphasize how i began to write, and dear honey, if youre reading this i want you to remember you started this on the 7th of october 2024 at 12 mid night where you have felt all the weighs of the world in your heart and you cant seem to grasp the heaviness you feel and the burden buried deep inside your soul. This is the only sane way to keep you going.

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Why am i the way i am?
funny how im the only one diagnosing myself, its like giving myself a therapy everytime i feel
depressed. I talk to myself then later on giving myself a tap on the shoulder telling me i will be alright, I got this. Im strong. i cant lose my battle against surviving life and then proceed to gaslighting myself that everything has a reason, including why im acting the way i am right now.

So why am i acting so dramatic!

Lately, i always find myself so quick to tears. id like to blame it on the hormonal pills im taking because i swear on all the species of the earth im not like this before. I even used to remember how i always wanted to cry when i was a kid but i just cant. idk why but making me cry before is so challenging. I always convince myself "honey cry" especially when i feel like the moment was requiring me to cry.

I remember back when i was 7 years old, my closest grand aunt died, when i received the news, i knew deep inside me i was crying, my heart was broken and mourning and i felt my eyes and it was dry. i wonder to myself, why cant i seem to cry? i look at my brother and the rest of my family, all of them were so red due to crying and i was just there standing forcing myself to cry because i dont want them to think like im not affected, God knows i am but as a kid back then, di jud ko tahilak.

then that was the first time people started misunderstanding me. My aunt started spreading gossips that "parang wala lang daws akoa" referring to the death of my grand aunt. Titing, my grand aunt was like my 2nd mother, she was the one who raised me together with manang. The two of them served as my parents coz my real parents just cant do their job. When my grandaunt died, nabilin sakoa si manang. Manang has the kindest soul on earth 😭 she raised us like her own (she doesnt have a kid or a husband, shes an old maiden)

so back to the story on titing's death, i have felt the indifference of my other aunties towards me just because they didnt saw in me the sadness. My takeaways on that is, im the type of person where i show the opposite of what i feel. Tho during those moment i really wanted to show nga im also mourning to the loss of my family but for some reasons, all my tears dried up that day.

After titing's death, i didnt know kato na diay ang sinugdanan sa tinood na kinabuhi. Before when she was alive, where like the most blessed kids in the world, pampered kayo, love kaayo, spoiled kayo but she was gone so soon.

We were transferred from private to public because my other aunt (Aunti Rohanne) was working as a teacher ato na public school so no problem, along with that, we were also transferred from marawi to iligan. little did i know, im gonna hate this city growing up.

Now as a kid back then, i find myself waking up in the middle of the night crying because di pako anad ato makapuyo sa iligan living with my aunts and real grandmother (mommy) so mura kog nahomesick away from marawi.

I felt so distant towards them because ato na time mahadlok kos ila kay mga strikto and strikta ako mga aunty and uncle (igsoon sako papa) bata pako pero natanom na jd ang fear nako sailaa.

I grew up with no presence sa parents, theyre faraway from us. We were left with aunts and lola. At a young age, we were forced to do household stuffs which is really normal if nakipuyo lang ka. Kami sako igsoon ila sugo sugoon, any kind of sugo.