I don't really have a clue on where to start here. It's going to be messy, but I guess it is a good representation of my mind.
I wish to stay unknown, but I am a 21-year-old girl struggling. I don't really have anyone to talk to about everything that goes through my brain, and believe me there is a lot, so I thought sharing my story will in a way inspire others.
I have been at war with my brain for the past 10 years. I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 11. It has been 10 years now. During this time, I probably spent 90% of those days debating suicide. And it gets worse with time. I am on medication and have been hospitalized but nothing seems to help. The more I live the more I have these thoughts that won't leave.
I am right now in the middle of getting a diagnosis of BPD and autism. To be honest I don't really know how to deal with anything. My life doesn't make any sense. I went from being the "perfect" kid, the high potential kid, that was always at the top of her class, the sweet girl never causing any trouble, to being a fucked-up adult. I dropped out of university in my 2nd year (my parents still don't know about it, don't want to disappoint them more than I already do). This past year has been very self-destructive. I have been drowning my sorrows in alcohol and drugs. Yes, I started drugs. Child-me wouldn't recognize me. Honestly, I don't even know where I am going or what I am doing. All I know is that I want and need to not be left alone with my mind.
If I had to be transparent, I have never felt comfortable or like I belonged here, on earth. Nothing ever made sense to me. I never understood social constructs nor relations. It doesn't make sense to me, that I get to have certain opportunities others don't have. The worst thing about my brain is that I can't put words on my feelings. My thoughts are constantly racing in my mind, it is so messy in there. I started forgetting things, which is new to me, considering I was blessed by mother nature when it comes to my intellectual abilities. Must be true that intelligent people tend to be the saddest. I constantly feel like a failure although I know that I am still young, and I have a long road to decide who I am. But the problem is I don't know who I am, and I don't think I ever will. I have no idea what I like and dislike. It bothers me so much that I don't have any opinion on anything. But I think that's because I don't care. I seriously don't care about anything, which is weird because I used to care too much.
If you were to ask me about my plans for the future, my answer would be considered morbid by a majority, but in my sense, it is a reflection of the freedom I'm seeking.
My goal is to try out for everything I have ever wanted. My dreams are simple: I want to be an actress and a model; I want to have kids; I want my family to be happy; and I want to die with no regrets.
I plan on trying one last time on happiness and if it fails, I will be killing myself. I know people see death as this obscure thing, but it's actually a gift. To be able to not exist anymore is the most freeing thing a human being could experience.
It 1:58 am when I am writing this. I really feel down right now but I have no one to speak to. I had to get certain things off my shoulders and I though starting an online diary wouldn't be such a bad idea. This is the beginning of really long and messy diary entries. I apologize for this sincerely. I will not be planning or organizing any of these, simply because the whole concept is for anyone reading this to dive into my brain, so it will be hard to read sorry.
