Seinfeld/Regular Show Double Feature

Seinfeld/Regular Show Double Feature

Part One: Seinfeld    

"What is with people and talking about their sex life?" Jerry Seinfeld asked his usual audience, seated, watching him perform his comedy routine of the night.

"I mean really.  I don't get it!" Jerry cried as he held the microphone up to his mouth.  "People love to talk about everything!  Everything!  Especially women!"

The audience chortled.

"I'm not wrong though," Jerry continued.  "Gossip, gossip, gossip, gossip.  All the time.  Everyday."  Jerry then stopped.  "Ladies, no offense."

A couple of women in the front row laughed.

"You know, it's always, 'how's your day?' or 'this and that.'  Talk about clothes, money, how much money your husband makes.  'Well my husband makes more than yours!'  'He does not!'  'He does too'!"    

The women in the front exploded. 

"They know what I mean," Jerry said with a weird smile.  "But when it comes to actual talking, to big boy stuff, like sex, then the ladies all shut up!  I mean, don't get me wrong.  Men actually do the opposite.  Do you ever hear women going around comparing vagina sizes?  I don't think so."

The crowd lost it.

"But men.  Oh men love to compare sizes.  You'll see men running through the streets yelling 'oh mine's bigger than yours!'  'Oh really?  Is it?'  'Yes sir!'  'Prove it then!'  And then before you know it you've got a bunch of grown men stripping in the streets comparing dick sizes!"

The crowd lost it.

"If men talked about sex like women talked about clothes then the world would be a very different place."

The crowd clapped for that one. 

Jerry smiled.  He knew this job well.

...

Thanks to his successful comedy routine that night Jerry was able to head home early.  Too many people in the audience peed their pants and had to leave.  Eventually Jerry was the only one who remained. 

It was weird.  He very rarely actually laughed at his own jokes.  He wrote them all the time, but he never laughed at any of them.  Maybe it was because he already knew what was coming.

Jerry was back at his apartment now.  He'd just changed into some casual wear for around the place and was preparing to watch a bit of late night television before bed. 

Jerry had just put some popcorn in the microwave and was beginning to doze off when he heard the buzzer sound. 

"Who could that be?" Jerry grunted in an annoyed manner as he pulled himself over to the button next to his door and pressed it down. 

"Yeah?"

"It's Goerge," the voice on the other side nervously said. 

"Come on up," Jerry said lamley before taking his hand off the button.  He then walked back over the counter and leaned on it.  "What could George want at this hour?" he said to himself. 

The door then opened and George Costanza entered. 

"George, what's up?" Jerry asked, taking his arm off the counter and leaning on it with his back.

George stopped for a moment to take off his jacket.  He lightly placed it on the table.  "Oh Jerry, hi.  How are you?"

Jerry could tell something was up.  "Not bad... I'm a little tired," Jerry said.  "It's very late.  What can I do for you?"