Finding Love

1

I am sitting at a family gathering, surrounded by relatives of all ages. The room is filled with laughter and chatter, but there’s one question that keeps popping up like a persistent pop-up ad on a Facebook messenger – “When are you getting married?” Ikinasal na ang lahat ng kapatid, pinsan at kaibigan ko at heto pa rin ako’t mag-isa sa buhay, na kahit nobyo ay wala akong maiharap sa kanilang lahat. I always think that it’s not important, kaya ko naman sigurong mabuhay ng walang kasama sa pagtanda.

I live alone, living like an independent woman. I always make them see that I can live alone, that I don’t need a guy to be with me. They wanted me to marry a man, lalaking kaya akong buhayin. I always say “I don’t need it, I can be a man for myself. I can do everything on my own, bakit pa ‘ko maghahanap ng karamay kung kaya ko naman ng ako lang?” But everytime I answer that way, there’s a part in me that doesn’t mean it to say. Sino ba naman kasing hihindi sa lovelife? Gusto ko rin namang maranasan ang bagay na ‘yon. It is maybe because of someone, causing me to find it hard to fall in love again, to find hope for love. Maybe I still need to know, discover and explore myself and other things for me to grow. “This is a season to grow.” Mga salitang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng inggit. “Mabuti na nga sigurong mag-isa, less pain… Like tingnan mo ang iba diyan, nakapangasawa ng maaga, kaya ngayon nagkakaproblema financially, may ilan naman na naghihiwalay matapos maikasal ng ilang taon.” Dugtong ko pa, para maibsan ang nararamdaman kong inggit.

It's just tiring being in pain ang I once experience it, like hurting myself by assuming that someone will wait for me and will love me until I’m ready, love me till death? Umabot na lang yata ako ng trenta ay hindi ko na kailanman naramdaman ang presensya ng pagmamahal.  Napapatanong na lang ako minsan kung na saan na ang taong minsan din akong pinaasa, 'yong tipong, kung kailan ako asang-asa ay malalaman ko na lang na may bago na palang pinopormahan…  Kung kailan, higit na ako sa handa ay diyan pa nawala… I want to express kung gaano ako umasa at kung paano ako nasaktan ng dahil sa kaniya, dahilan siguro para hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako makahanap ng romansa. Was it because of that? Or was is it because I'm afraid to find love... Is it just my choice? O baka naman hindi pa nawawala ang nararamdaman ko para sa taong ‘yon?

“So, when are we going to hear wedding bells, dear? Ikaw na lang ang hinihintay naming ikasal. Are you even dating someone?” Aunt Lucia asked excitedly. No’ng nasa desi otso pako’t pinagbabawalan niyo akong mag nobyo, kesyo dapat nasa trenta na dapat ang edad ko para maayos ang lahat… Kung kailan hindi na ako interesado sa romansa ay hinahanapan at tinatanong niyo ko kung kailan ako ikakasal?

I smiled and said, “Oh, you know, I’m still waiting for my the one. Once I found it, then we can talk weddings!”

“Isa pa napaka-busy ko sa trabaho para maghanap ng mapapangasawa, ni pumasok sa isang relasiyon ay hindi ko na magawa dahil sa sobrang ka-busy-han,” dugtong ko pa.

“Come on, you can’t be that busy that you can’t find time for love! Isa pa, hindi ka na bumabata.”

Love? Baka hindi talaga para sa ‘kin ‘yan.  May magkakagusto ba talaga sa ‘kin? Kasi kahit gusto ko na ring ikasal ay hindi ko naman maipipilit lalo na kung hindi naman talaga para sa ‘kin. I can’t force God to give me what I want, everything was already planned by Him. Maybe, love will just harm me in the end kung ipipilit ko pa.

“Well, I did try speed dating, but I was disqualified for going too slow.” Biro ko na lamang.

The room erupts in laughter, and I can see the tension around the marriage question dissipate. It’s my way of handling the relentless inquiries with humor and grace.

“Maybe we should set you up on a blind date!” My cousin Bob said with his teasing smile, walang hiya talaga. No’ng ini-arrange niyang blind date sa akin no’ng nakaraang linggo ay hindi ko nagustuhan dahil sa sobrang kapal ng mukha.