Another failure

Was supposed to visit my cardiologist today, was supposed to have a heart attack a few months back, was suppose to relapse, was supposed to die in a car crash/why am I here? What do I fear? Why don't I keep a gun near? Why is God so far? How do I keep getting new scars? Why has life made me so strong? Why don't you sing along? I used to smoke and rip the bong, I used to joke and laugh about shit til' I was gone/Used to have dreams and ambitions, now I'm used to the scene missin' familiar faces/climbin' up these hills on a daily basis, used to nothin' goin' my way, wish I was doped up, wish I was dope bruh/lonely and this is my only way to not feel phony, used to have a couple homies, time used to not go so slowly/What have I achieved? What do I believe?

Why do these questions never leave? I feel like a failure, probably cause depression doesn't sell/cause most don't have the courage to admit this is hell, most keep searching for that magical spell, ring the bell it's time for show and tell/no one is special, nothing is essential, you should live on the verge of detrimental, I don't wanna go to the hospital to refill my medication/I'd rather die an undiagnosed patient/my blood pressure is rising/I need sedation cause I'm impatient and I don't know what I'm waitin' for, seems like there's nothing left in store/the road less traveled has left me un-raveled, walkin' on gravel with bare feet, so bare with me/count my blessings as I try to relax my tensions, don't need facts to contradict this apprehension, just need my addictions/hard to breathe as I listen to the inner voice, need substance just to feel joy, feels so abrupt in this void/feels like a swing from the rough, feels like I'm fake when things get tough/pushed away my family and watched my friends disappear, a dead-end is all that's near, can't reprimand so I stere clear/drivin' too fast on the highway, thrivin' won't last if this is my way/never had a throne but thought I did, now I'm frigid beggin' for forgiveness/maybe it's all just imagination, maybe it's my justification, maybe I'm just impatient/playing with the hairs on my face, I'm blank when you stare in my face/take a picture it's worth the words, the pain of a baby being delivered/alone in my room, choking on the perfume of emptiness/no costume I wear this resentment as a daily testament to keep strugglin'/