out of reach

Jeon Jeongguk.

They say that you're handsome, rich and smart. Well, I am socially awkward, weird and a total nerd.

They say that you like all kinds of sports. I'm supposed to like soccer or baseball... I'm more into dance, though.

They say that you make music and that you have a beautiful singing voice. Well... I tried singing... my dad told me to stop. He told me that I sound aweful. Then I bought a saxophone and tried playing on it once... my dad didn't like it either. It's a shame, really, because I actually really liked it. I guess, a boy can still dream, right? Well... you don't need to, obviously.

They say that you're good at everything. I have to study hard to get at least an average score.

I don't know about your parents, they're probably proud as hell and love you to bits, but my parents hate me. They hate me for my stupidity, for me taking up too much space, for me being gay. They'll be more than grateful for when I finally graduate and move out.

People say that you're way out of my league... and I know that they're right.

You've never been able to remember neither my name nor my face, even when we see each other almost every day at school.

They say that feelings, too, can pass... and I really hope they're right again.

I don't like feeling all giddy and mushy inside. I don't like being distracted. School is tough enough as it is, but ever since you saved me that day, I can't seem to get you out of my head.

In case you don't remember: I was being bullied by some of your friends when you came into the restroom and yelled at them to stop screwing around and get their asses back to class. You looked at me, nodded and left right after them... I don't even know if you intended to save me, but you did. And you aknowledged me, which I was very thankful for.

That was 5 years ago, and ever since that day, your annoyingly handsome face wouldn't leave my mind. Which is why I'm writing this whole crappy chaos of thoughts down, in hopes to be brave enough to actually give it to you and be done with this shit, but... honestly, I think you'd never read it, even if I did... which is okay. Handwritten letters are cringe and not cool at all, plus this letter will probably be over 15 pages long or something, so... yeah. I'm probably being a burden again, sorry, I'll finish this quickly.

Okay, this is supposed to be a letter.

Jeon Jeongguk,

I've liked you for the past 5 years, and I hope that by telling you this, my feelings for you will magically disappear. Just like I'd like my sexuality to change over night, because honestly? Who likes gay people, right? Nobody does, so I'd totally understand if you'd be disgusted with me. Believe me, I don't really know why I like you so much.

Well, no. I do.

I don't see you bullying people, like your friends always do. I don't see you giving up. I never see you in a bad mood. Only when you're concentrated, your eyebrows furrow and you look somewhat aggressively hot, but... well, as long as you can focus, it doesn't matter what you look like, right? Yeah, no. You just look good. People like me get judged for focussing and not having their facial expressions under control.

Gosh, I don't remember why I decided to be honest and tell you all of this instead of just saying: "Hi, I'm Kim Taehyung and I've liked you for the past 5 years, and now that I've said it, I'll never see you again and hopefully, these stupid feelings will disappear forever", but it feels good to at least write some of it down... to get it off my chest, you know? I've kept these feelings bottled up for years and maybe I'll give this letter to you on graduation day... or maybe not, we'll see. You'll be going to Harvard anyways, and I'll spend the summer looking for a cheap place to stay to get out of my parent's way. I guess college never was an option for someone like me, but honestly speaking, I'd never make it through college anyway. Be it my antisocial behaviour or my not-so-successful study habits, I'd never be able to make it. So, work it is. And it's fine this way, I like my workplace, and they said that they'd like me to stay after graduation. They offered me a full-time job, which is pretty amazing. I like my colleagues. They treat me well and only care about my work ethics, nothing else.

Sorry for wasting so much of your time in case you actually decided to read this and in case I was actually brave enough to give it to you.

But if you've made it this far, thank you.

Nobody ever takes their time to listen to someone like me. I guess I should be happy, imagining that you read it and that my feelings are out there, now. I can peacefully leave school behind, and hopefully I'll never see you again.

Don't get me wrong, you're the most perfect human being I've ever come across, but... you make me hate myself even more, every time you walk by and my heart stutters. Every time our eyes meet and my stomach lurches. Every time we bumb into each other in class or in the hallway and my legs suddenly feel like jelly.

I'm not supposed to like men. I'm not supposed to like you. Yet, my heart and my whole damn body tell me otherwise every single day, and I hate myself for it.

And I'm sorry for it.

But I also wanna thank you for showing me what being in love feels like.

It's a feeling I really don't like because I have no control over it, and I guess after you, there won't be anyone I will let myself fall in love with ever again.

But I've heard that you should've fallen in love at least once in your lifetime and that I've done now, so no more distractions from now on. No more self-hatred. No more useless letters.

So thank you, Jeon Jeongguk, for showing me what it's like to be in love with you.

Sorry for making you feel weird or disgusted or... I don't know... angry?

I hope we'll never see each other again, but I assume you don't even know who I am, so. No need to worry about that.

I sincerely hope you'll get everything you want from life. Please do your best. You deserve it.

Never yours,

Kim Taehyung