Something about her

Chapter one: Never again.

I murdered my mom.
I know. Crazy thing to say right off the bat. I feel like we needed to get that out of the way though.
You might be asking yourself, how? Great question! Freshman year I wanted to hang out with my "friends", they weren't really my friends, but we will get into that later.
Anyways, I was begging my mom to take me to my friend's house for a sleepover.
She kept saying no because she was tired from working.
Me, being the spoiled brat that I was, demanded she take me.
She drove me there, dropped me off, said "I love you be safe!" And started her drive back home.
On the way back she received a call from me.
I was in hysterics. My friends had FaceTimed the guy I was absolutely enamored with, told him I was in love with him, and then sent me his address instead of theirs.
I showed up at his house.
He humiliated me on video and then posted it for the whole world to see.
Obviously the whole world didn't see it, but the entirety of my school did.
My friends had told him I was obsessed with him. I did witchy spells, love potions, etc. They told him that I had basically been his stalker.
I was devastated.
I had called her up absolutely sobbing, demanding she come back and pick me up.
She was obviously extremely concerned, made an illegal u turn, and got hit by a semi going 75 miles per hour.
I was on the phone the entire time.
The worst part is, I never told her I loved her back.
My dad blamed me, obviously as he should.
It was my fault.
My sweet angel of a mother was dead because of me.
I felt worthless.
The entirety of the rest of my high school years was spent drinking my life away and barely passing any of my classes.
I was bullied the rest of freshman year, and never made friends for the remainder of high school.
My home life was even worse. My father barely spoke to me, and when he did he reminded me of the worst day of my life.
He said I looked like her. He said I reminded him of her every day. He said I was a mistake. He said he wished it was me instead of her.
I agree.
I agree with everything he said. Every single time I look in a mirror I see her.
I see her beautiful green eyes, but instead of bright and happy, they were sunken and hollow.
I would look at old photos from when I used to be happy. I would stare at my smile. The smile that so closely resembled hers. I swore to myself I would never smile again.
When I think back to that day it kind of just feels like a bad dream. It's so far away, and it doesn't feel real. But it is.
My tears caused her death. I caused her death.
From that day on I swore to myself I would never cry again. I would never feel again. I did not deserve it.
My gorgeous mother was 6 feet underground because I was an idiot.
I would force myself to pay for it the rest of my life. Killing myself was the easy way out. I wanted to torture myself.
I still do.
I torture myself every day that I am alive, and I deserve it.
I never want to see myself smile again.
College was a fresh start. Away from the little town that held my worst memories. Away from my father whose life I ruined.
I wish I could go back to freshman year. Tell my mom I love her. I wish I would have never persisted that she take me that night.
It was too late. Now I had to sit with what I had done. I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me.
And I would make sure I never felt happy again.