Zero Strings

ZS 16

"I'll text you when I get there, okay? But you have fun alright?" I tell Casey before I go in, and she just pouted. 

"Not gonna be as fun now" she said, which only made me sigh. I didn't wanna leave yet too, but I had to because even though I was feeling better now compared to last night, my head was still pounding. It was tolerable, but it still hurts.

"I'm sorry" I tell her as I hug her goodbye and kiss her on her forehead before going in. 

I soon get to Boston a little over noon with my parents picking me up so we could go to my doctor, who was thankfully free today to do my check up.

As we got to the clinic, we all got out of the car and I took a deep breath.

I still hated coming here even though I knew that everything was gonna be fine. I wasn't worried a bit, but coming here almost every month for check ups was just a cruel reminder that I was on the brink of getting wiped out off the face of the earth.

Before we got in, mom quickly grabbed my hand and gripped it reassuringly.

"You're gonna be fine, baby. Trust" she says with a sad smile all over her face. I just give her a small smile back and we go in. 

After doing a general wellness test, the doctor told me to do a quick CT scan so we could see how my tumor was doing. The test results wasn't gonna be available for two days, so my doctor advised me to stay stress-free and not tire myself out while I enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Of course that was gonna be a bit hard to do since I don't know how what's gonna happen two days later.

Mom stayed panicking for the next two days, making sure that I was eating well and that I was fully relaxed. I always assured her that I was fine and could handle myself so she could enjoy the rest of the holidays and not act like my personal nurse, but moms will mom and she absolutely refused with no questions asked.

Of course all this time, I've been updating Casey about how me and my family were doing, making sure to be specific about the fact that the emergency was me and my health of course. It wasn't something that should be said through text. I need to be there for her physically in case she doesn't take the news well. 

Two days later, me and my parents went back to the clinic to get the results and get the doctor's diagnosis.

Remember when I said earlier that coming here didn't worry me one bit?

Well, that quickly changed because as soon as the words left his mouth, I felt like cold water was just dumped on me. 

The tumor has apparently grown a size since I last did a check up and it was growing too close to my brainstems.

I've been living my life normally for the past almost three years, but right now... my brain cancer felt too real. 

"Can we just do the surgery already? Please" mom asked as tears started to well up in her eyes as she tries her best not to cry.

"Unfortunately it's going to be hard to do a surgery on River because it might affect the nerves on his brain" the doctor said, making my let out a sob "The best we can do is for River to do Radiotherapy and we need to do it as soon as possible so his tumor doesn't grow any more than it should" he added as I listened carefully to every word he said.

After giving us a bit more details on what to do and what not to do, me and my parents left the clinic devastated. 

This was unarguably the worst way to spend going into the next year.

The whole car ride was silent. Apart from mom silently sobbing in her seat. 

I, on the other hand, while I had a very dangerous tumor growing on my head, was still hopeful. The doctor didn't say that I was dying real soon and I was still very hopeful that this would work.

No one spoke the whole way, even when we were all walking towards the front door, so as soon as we got in, I took a deep breath and broke the silence.

"I'm going upstairs and rest" I told them, but my mom quickly turned to me, her eyes all red and puffy from sobbing.

"Baby, we need to talk about this" my mom told me, stopping me from my tracks so I turned to them and gave them my full attention.

"I think it's best if you move back here until we're sure that you're fully healthy" dad said.

"Dad I'm going on my second semester of my second year. The radiotherapy is every three weeks and I can just travel back and forth for that" I tried to reason

"River please. We just need to make sure you're gonna be okay" mom said as her eyes started to well up again

"I will be fine, mom. The doctor never said I was dying real soon. I will be fine" I tell her

"River--" dad began, but I quickly cut them off

"I get that you're both worried and I am too. But please let me live my life for a while. I need this" I tell them as my eyes started to well up as well because the next things that was gonna come out of my mouth wasn't only gonna hurt them... but me as well. "If this brain tumor ends up killing me, I don't wanna die knowing that I spent my last days confined in medical shit" I added as Casey popped up on my mind. There was absolutely no fucking way that I was gonna leave this earth and spend my last days without her in my life.

And like what I expected, this made my mom start full on crying as she placed her palm on her forehead in frustration. 

"Please" I begged as I wiped the tears off my face. I have been diagnosed with this tumor for almost three years now but this is the first time that knowing I have it genuinely made me cry "If things gets worse, I promise I'll come home" 

With dad comforting her, mom took a deep breath and wiped the tears off her face and looked at me disappointed and frustrated.

"And what happens when your tumor rapidly grows while you're not here? What if that's what makes you die? This decision of yours is not only very risky but also very selfish River" mom said before she turned her heel and walked away as Dad gave me a disappointed look.

"Dad, please" I begged. And for the first time, my dad didn't know what to do or what to say. He looked away for a second before turning to me again.

"I'll go talk to your mom" he tells me before following my mom to the living room, leaving me alone and frustrated as the reality sinked in that I may have to start a countdown for my life.

10...