~+ Clean +~ •Lovertation•

~+ Chapter 4 +~

I whined.

She scoffed and threw me against the bookcase, strutting off.

My head hit it hard, the books falling and landing on me.

I didn't have the heart to move them.

I just curled into a ball, I had a hoodie on and jeans now so I was covered.

The panic attack came on. I couldn't breathe.
I cried, and cried, and cried, until I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder and my favorite voice.

"Hey, sunshine, you're okay..." Rep said softly, tilting my chin up.

I looked up at her, my eyes wide and unfocused, tears streaming down my cheeks and my breathing so fast that I wasn't.

She pulled me into her lap the second she saw my condition.

She scratched my head.

"It's okay, baby girl, it's okay. In for 4. You got it. Come on..." she instructed.

I couldn't. I genuinely couldn't.

She looked at me and an idea sparked in her mind I guess, because she had this familiar look on her face.

"Lover, look at me." She said.

I looked at her.

"Just breathe." She said with a shrug.

My eyes widened, and I scoffed.

Was she serious?

"I'm fricking trying! It's not working!" I said.

"Just do it," she repeated.

I looked at her, my eyes narrowed.

"What the heck? I'm trying," I repeat.

I see her smile grow and her shoulders shake in laughter.

I looked at her confused.

"You're breathing," she laughed.

I looked at her confused, then I realize. I was breathing. Huh?

"How..." I started. She shrugged, pulling me back in for a hug which I gratefully accepted.

I wrapped my arms around her neck and my legs around her waist as she scratched my head with one hand and held my waist with the other, rubbing my lower back with her thumb.

I sighed contentedly and leaned into her.

She pulled away a bit after a while, and looks at me.

"Hey darling, what happened?" She asked softly, swiping some messy hair out of my eyes.

"People. Saying things..." I told her vaguely.

"Which people, sunshine? Karma?" She asked.

I shook my head. "Mm-mm, um. Darren, and his friends. And Jessie too..." I muttered to her, looking down.

She clenched her fist.

"Okay. Wha'd they say?" She asked, trying to control her anger.

"Don't make me say, please, I don't wanna say," I pleaded.

She furrowed her brows in concern but nodded.

She pulled me back in and played with my hair.

"Wanna play uno with Midnights? She might be smoking but.. that's usual.. so..." she trailed off.

I nodded into her.

"You play. I stay with you. I like staying with you." I murmured childishly to my best friend.

She chuckled and nodded, standing up with me still swung around her like I weighed nothing, and went to go play uno.

~+~

Lunch..
Yay.

We sat down, me with rep, and I leaned into her.

The events of the day played through my head as I picked at my food and moved it mindlessly and disinterestedly.

Those words hurt. I had been really struggling with wanting to be here versus not wanting to be here, and hearing those things just tipped the scale one way.

Rep, who's arm was slung around my shoulder and moving while she talked, because she talked with her hands, seemed to notice my demeanor.

She finished the topic of conversation then tapped my head with her hand.

She mouthed 'You okay?'.

I nodded and faked a smile. Her gaze lingered on mine, before she tore it away.

I didn't eat at all during lunch, and now it was the next few periods.

And fucking finally, I was home. I had just walked with speak now in silence.

I got to my room, shut and locked the door, and slid down against it, my head tucked in my knees.

Fat.

Ugly.

Shouldn't have been born.

Bitch.

Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.

And of course, that lead to me getting up and opening my favorite drawer.

I took the silver out of it and just held the sharp item in my fingers, trying to wonder if I should go ahead and do it.

And the thoughts got louder.

My grip tightened, my fingers turning a lighter shade, as if the metal color had dusted onto my alabaster fingertips.

I swallowed and slammed my head against my wall in frustration.

And I waited, and fought my brain, until I couldn't.

I drew a shaky hand and pulled my sleeve back.

~+~

It was a couple hours later now. I just sat upstairs. There was leftover pizza if speak now wanted any.

I just rotted on my bed, my arm stinging and my gaze numb.

I tossed and turned, my fatigue now nonexistent the second I tried to charge it.

So I sat there.

Soon enough, my eyes felt heavy. I dropped them closed, turned on my side, and let the drowsiness take over.

(Who's ur fave Pokémon by the way)

~+~+~
Hey guys so I'm going like short chapters now I'ma try and update a couple times a week but idk