Mo Dao Zu Shi: Astray

Forest of Webs, Part Three

It wasn't hard for Tara to notice that she was treated like a child compared to her feminine peers. Even though she was a full-grown adult in her twenties.

It was insulting that other women thought that Tara was behaving the way she did for "male approval". She didn't even really spend time with guys? She just hung out with other girls who later turned out to be bisexual or nonbinary.

How could Tara be a real butch? She was bisexual, not a lesbian. She was a petite Asian woman, not a muscular woman.

Sometimes, she didn't even feel like a real Asian butch. She was bisexual. She was too skinny. She was too scrawny. She was too short. She was too shy. She wasn't fierce enough. She wasn't brave enough. She wasn't muscular enough.

What did Tara see growing up? An endless array of Asian girls and women with long, flowing hair. Where were the Asian girls and women with short hair? Where were they when they weren't the butt of a joke? Was she just hideous? Did people even think of her as a human being? They saw her as a weirdo. A freak show.

Most tomboys present in mainstream media were bastardized portrayals written by cishet men projecting their hatred for women. Even other women said that gender-nonconforming women were an abomination to womanhood.

In GL media, Asian butches and gender non-conforming women were usually portrayed as fierce, outspoken shining knights in armor who swept their love interest off their feet and saved the day. Tara, on the other hand, was a scrawny, nervous small bisexual nerd whose babyish face didn't make her sexy at all...

Butch women's roles in stories: Always the Protector and Side Character, but never the Main Protagonist, the Hero of the story.

Growing up, Tara didn't know why she never saw any women like her.

It hurt to realize that it was because society despised women like her, not wanting her to exist at all, or in worst cases, wanting her dead.

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Tara didn't realize she was demisexual until much later as an adult. She only ever had crushes on fictional characters, never real people. How did people have crushes, find dates, and have sex so easily? Throughout her years of school and early adult life, she still couldn't feel love and attraction the same way other people did.

Tara wondered if she was broken for not having celebrity crushes, school crushes, or the ability to fall in love easily. She had no idea what romantic love felt like. She worried more about even being able to fall in love with someone than someone falling in love with her.

Finding out about bisexuality and demisexuality, she finally understood herself better than ever before. But at what cost? Scrutiny of her romantic partners. Abuse from family and strangers. Exhaustion from being told to pick a side already.

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"You're bisexual? Ew! You're one of those unfaithful cheaters? You'll just be with a man one day and a woman the next!"

"You're one of those bihets. Gross."

"You already look and act butch. Commit to being a butch lesbian instead of being one of those bisexual fence sitters."

"You already look like a lesbian. Why don't you just call yourself one? You bisexuals should just pick a side already."

"Bisexual butches don't exist."

"Butches aren't supposed to be attracted to other butches."

"You're butch! You're supposed to be a lesbian! Don't bi girls act just like straight girls, anyway?"