"Are you better now?"

"Are you better now?" 

It's an awful question and one that often has the opposite effect to what you've been trying to accomplish as it tears away all the falsities of understanding that people present when placed in a situation that in reality they cannot even begin to fathom. It shows how little they know or "get" about what is happening and how you are feeling and it is utterly depressing because in that moment as the words leave their mouth you see how truly alone you are in this world and it's a saddening fact to know that no one understands you. And so that very simple question born out of ignorance can often be more damaging to a person than the events that lead them to that place to start with. 

I suppose if we're honest there is only one worse question that can be guaranteed to be asked of every single person on this earth at least once in their lifetime. Why?  

...the truth....no one knows 

Sure it's possible to have therapy to try and understand the build-up of events that lead you to be standing where you are today. But what we have to learn to see is that every single person is different and who can say why when placed in the exact same situations one person will persevere and the other will just. .well.. breakdown to put it simply, what is it that causes two people to be able to react to situations in such varied ways. There is no answer. We are who we are. It is pointless to sit wondering, staring idly at people across the room wondering why you? Why not them? What makes you different to them that it can affect you in such a way and not them? 

Everything.  

We are all our own individual beings and we will all act, think and react to situations in entirely different ways because the terrifying truth is that there is no "normal". This social image that we have imposed upon ourselves as a society simply doesn't exist. It's a delusion conjured for our own piece of mind because the alternative truly is a scary thought. If there is no normal who's to say what is right or wrong to do. Where would those boundaries be? And how could there ever be any trust between people in our society if every single person you met was something entirely new to you, unpredictable, unsafe. You would never be able to be sure of what they would do, how they thought. And that my friends would be a rather scary world to live in. 

However I seem to have gotten off track slightly, well a lot actually, and to have stuck reading this so far you must be pretty committed because it has mainly been me rambling on. But that isn't what this was originally about. The only reason I'm even writing this is in the hope that by sharing some of my thoughts I would be able to help pull a few others through the darkness, give them a light to look towards and show them that in a world where we are all alone we don't have to be lonely. 

So here goes and I warn you this is where the writing really gets atrocious because it's hard to put into words the emotions, feelings and situations in a way that someone who may not have experienced it can understand and in a way in which those who are going through it right now can feel a little less alone. 

Right so... 

In November 2012 I was officially diagnosed with anxiety based depression. I had a name. A reason, something to explain what the hell was happening to me but even at that time I couldn't honestly say that I understood it. It couldn't help explain to me the processes that had led to me earlier that day having skipped college for the millionth time to go sit on a train station platform and cry hysterically for three hours straight. Couldn't help me to rectify what had happened because that's all it was a name. What did it change? It wasn't like a magic epiphany in which I suddenly knew what was wrong and so everything would suddenly be fine and I could just go back to living my life. It doesn't work like that and truthfully I'm still dealing with it today, still putting the pieces into place, slowly yet surely building a picture of exactly what happened and strangely through that process beginning to have a glimpse of understanding and attempting to change the way in which I think of and see the world because in the famous words of Ayn Rand - "You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality." Which believe me is all too true.  

It hasn't been too long since I was told of what it was that has been plaguing my life for the last couple of years, slowly taking over and reducing me to an empty shell hiding away from the world. And for that reason it's hard right now for me to write much more, maybe a few months down the line when I can more fully express how I felt at that time, because right now I'm not so sure that I'm in the right place to share that. The one piece of advice I can definitely give right now is that as hard as it is because even you have no idea what it is that you're feeling tell someone. I was lucky I had a friend that had gone through a similar thing a couple years previous and so I knew she would understand because it's hard for someone who hasn't experienced it and been through it themselves to fully appreciate what a vulnerable state you're in and be able to understand. My way of expressing how I was feeling at that time consisted of a simple text message to her asking what got her through that time and that was all it took. She understood. And her answer was the same one that I think I would give right now. Friends. I've had some amazing friends who wouldn't let me give up, who, quite literally sometimes, dragged me into college. They cheered me up and stood by me in the times when honestly I was so unsociable there was weeks when I didn't talk to them but they never gave up on me and there is no way I can ever repay them for that because without them I doubt very much I would still be here today. I really am in awe of what they must have went through for me because at the time they had no idea what was up with me I only recently began telling a couple of people 0of what happened and I can't begin to get them to understand how thankful I am to them and exactly what it is they did for me in the time when even though I didn't realise it I needed them the most. And to those people out there who maybe don't have those friends or family to get them through, we're here. Don't ever feel like you are on your own through this it's the worst thing you could possibly do. Personally I'd be more than happy to try and help others like my friends helped me. Talk to us, trust us. Because you are not alone. Not ever.