If At First

Part 16 - Chapter 15

I trod slowly down the hall to the library where, immediately upon opening the door, I was accosted by Jack. He frolicked in joyful circles at my feet, his scrawny hindquarters craving to jump up but submitting to the demand of previous authority, was satisfied wagging his tail and standing between my knees. Haven leaned his shoulders against the mantelpiece on the far end of the room.

"Beverly thinks I plan to leave him here." He grinned. "They instantly disliked one other."

"He shouldn't be here. If my grandmother knew..."

"I know. But I told you I would see you today, and then I remembered tonight was some sort of card-party. I thought you might've been roped in, so we decided to very rudely interrupt."

"Oh my God, yes!" I said unguardedly, "They kept talking about some party, and gowns, but all I could think ab-" I froze, likely with a deer-in-headlights look on my face. I almost just slipped; almost told him everything. Then I remembered that was what I wanted to talk to him about.

Haven had become someone I wanted to confide in, someone whose advice I needed. But I couldn't suppress the feeling that he was the very person I had to hide from, and it was beginning to cause me every type of pain.

"What?" he asked, studying me.

"Nothing, just...nothing." I smiled, making an attempt to appear at ease, "I just meant thank you, I've been stuck in there for an hour."

A crease formed between his brows. "You were going to say something." He teased.

"I wasn't. I'm just glad you're here." I reverted to pulling affectionately at Jack's ear.

"Tabitha, why can't you bring yourself to trust me?" He said unexpectedly.

I looked up then. "I...I do" I said uncertainly, but trying my best to sound as indifferent and confident as possible. I turned to Jack again to hide my face. "I have your sweatshirt for you. I washed it." I sleep in it every night, but wash it every morning just in case you want it back.

"Keep it." He said, a marked shortness in his tone now, "I wanted to tell you I'll be leaving in the morning."

I looked up at that. "You're leaving? For how long?"

"At the least a few days, at most a week or so."

"Huh." My chest tightened and there was an irrepressible roaring in my head. I didn't want him to go anywhere. I wanted to exist in the bubble I'd created for us, and never let anything else in. I wanted him all to myself, forever.

"Something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing." I exhaled. "Going someplace fun?" Suck it up Tabby, he's not yours. He'll never be yours.

"Probably not. I have some business I need to attend to. Plus I've got to hunt down that photographer from the park the other day."

"Oh," I uttered, and wondered why it was so important to him not to be seen with me. Was I so disgraceful?

"I'll have Greenleigh look after Jack."

I ruminated for a moment, and finally sat back on my heels, finding a sliver of resolve. "I, um, I might not be here when you get back. I was thinking of going home." I said it, and as the air left my lungs I felt entirely deflated.

"Why?" He asked, his eyes penetrating.

"I...just am. I need to go."

"You're just gonna leave. It's that easy?" The edge in his voice was getting sharper. "Because I promise you I'm having a hard time making myself go."