If At First

Part 5 - Chapter 4

Maybe that was the real reason I had gone back home. To hide myself from those feelings, from that vulnerability, knowing it was safe there. Knowing exactly where I stood and what was expected of me. It's no way to live though, to just exist from day to day doing only what was expected of me. Maybe I should be grateful to Justin for showing me a little of life's cruelty.
Probably not, but maybe.

"Tabby?" Danni sounded far away. I knew what I needed to do, and decided to shove all my insecurities aside and pull on my big-girl pants.

I sighed, faced Danni, and finally said, "Dan, I know you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt me. And today isn't about me, anyway." I smiled as concern melted from her features. "So, stupid Justin comes to your wedding. It's your wedding, isn't it? I can take it. It's not my day, and whatever happens, happens." I could hear the words coming out of my mouth, and worked to make myself believe them. I was not about to be responsible for causing a bride anxiety on her wedding day, and I was determined not to fall apart right now.

"I love you Tabby." She said, and taking a deep breath, smiled brilliantly.

Veronica, the Wedding-Nazi hired by David's mother, directed the rehearsal by showing us all where to stand and when, and where to walk and how. I hoped I was gleaning whatever pertinent information I needed, since I was only maybe half-listening. My eyes were peeled for Justin's light curly hair. Always a dead giveaway.

Each time I moved my head I imagined he was in the fringe of my eye line, which made me dart around like a hunted deer. My whole body tensed, I'd look from side to side, and then refocus on the Nazi. Then it would happen all over again three seconds later. After a few minutes I was afraid to look up at all, and Veronica eventually called me out by stopping the production entirely and announcing loudly, "Is the Maid of Honor having a problem keeping up?" After which my hatred for her completely overcame my fear of seeing Justin and I spent the following twenty minutes trying to bore through her head with my eyes.

Despite my hate-filled eye boring, however, I was still jumpy. Danni kept looking at me out of the corner of her eye to see if I was okay, so I did my best to accomplish an appearance of carefree happiness while vacillating between peering into a seething crowd for anyone who resembled Justin, and conjuring images of stray lightning taking Veronica down. It was draining.

The moment we were released, I stayed decidedly close to a nearby flower arrangement in case I needed something to dodge behind. I wondered how awkward it might be for me to just hang out with the grapevines on the other side of the property while trying not to look like someone who didn't want to be found. Maybe Justin didn't want to see me either and was doing the same.
I'd never be so lucky.

After a solid twenty seven minutes of shallow breathing and not seeing any sign of him, I relaxed just a little. Maybe he decided not to come tonight after all.

Dinner was to be served in a small ballroom off the vineyard. There was nothing small about it, but being that there were three hundred people here, they needed the space. I was anticipating seeing the large ballroom that would have to house the selective twelve hundred guests who would arrive tomorrow.

I was easily distracted by the opulent surroundings, and made a conscious effort to forget about Justin and started wandering through the open area, absorbing the beauty. The views offered by Harper vineyard were utterly amazing. Everywhere I looked felt like it should be on the front of a postcard. "Welcome to Harper Vineyards!" It would say, "Please remember to bring your utmost sophistication and don't overstay your welcome. Which, by the way, ended ten seconds ago." And it would have pictures of the grapes with snooty faces waving goodbye. I smiled to myself and turned to follow a short path through a stone gate.