If At First

Part 5 - Chapter 4

Danni and I were in my room, in the wing of the compound's guest mansion reserved for the bridesmaids, dressing for the rehearsal when Danni stopped what she was doing to look at me. She seemed nervous, wringing her hands, and got up to pace back and forth across the ancient Persian rug.

"Something wrong?" I smiled, but watched her with concern. "Whatever it is, I'll fix it. It's in the job description as M-O-H, you know." She looked at me, oddly tormented.

"I have to tell you something." She said. She turned again to pace back across the other side of the room, biting her nails.

"Did you kill somebody?" I asked, trying to stay positive.

"No, but you might kill me when I tell you." She flinched a little.

"Geez Dan, whatever it is can't be that bad." I couldn't fathom what would be worth this level of distress. "It's not like you're the one who sold me to my grandmother, are you?" I smiled, and then my stomach tensed at the idea of my grandmother. "Wait, are you?"

She looked into my eyes, apology written over her face "Um, I have to tell you that, um, -I didn't tell you before that, well, when you and Justin dated, he and David became quite good friends, you know..." she paused. "Because we were all together so much..."

"Yeeeeees?" I drawled uncertainly.

"So, um, David kind of insisted that we invite Justin to the wedding, and at the time I didn't see the harm in it because I knew he wasn't even in the country and didn't plan to be for a while. But, um...we kind of got his reply card that said he'll be coming." She sat down on the bed next to me, first studying my face and then her lap.

"You're joking."

"I'm not."

"And how long have you not been telling me this?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know.

She turned to me, relaxing a little at my not having punched her yet. "Well, you know when he emailed you and you said you didn't read it?" she started.

"Yes,"

"So, I think, -had you not deleted it quite so quickly- Justin might have been telling you then, because David called the day before to tell me." She peeked up at me with a sheepish expression.

I sat there for a full minute, examining how I felt about the news I'd just received. The man who used up two years of my life, ruined my entire dating experience, while sleeping around with every woman who crossed his path, only for me to discover it from the R.A. on my dorm floor, who happened to also be one of those women, was going to be attending an event I've been anticipating for almost a year. Hmmm...What to think... how to feel ... who to choke...

"So, you've been lying. For weeks." I wasn't quite sure what to think but felt an overwhelming urge to cry.

"Don't think of it as 'lying' so much as...not...telling you." She said in an attempt at cheerfulness, "But, um, there's more." She flinched again.

"What." I said colorlessly, waiting for the roof to cave in and make this better. My hands felt clammy and I sort of wanted to crawl under the bed.

"Um, well, he did have to fly in from...I don't know, Tokyo I think, so he's actually in town tonight and will probably be at the rehearsal." She finished and awaited my reaction.

I took a deep breath, trying to remember all of the healing I had done in the past year, and what might happen if I was forced to see him again. My chest burned. My stomach was definitely unhappy. My head buzzed.

"I'm so sorry Tabby," Danni whispered, "If I even had a clue he would actually come, I never would have let David invite him." She was near tears now, probably mostly relieved for having gotten it off her chest. I sat there, mentally tracing the pattern on the floor. What if after seeing him again, it's like that last day? What if that wound reopens and I go back to where I started? The bottomless feelings of betrayal I thought I'd never come back from, -that still linger in my every interaction.