If At First

Part 2 - Chapter 1

"So absolutely no ulterior motive whatsoever?" She squinted, still suspicious.

"None." I was trying desperately to hide the onslaught of panic that suddenly gripped my stomach. Saying it out loud like this made me want to take it all back. I picked up the mug in front of me and polished off the last of my Earl Grey before she could notice the nervous sweat that always gave me away.

What I couldn't tell her was that I'm not exactly tossing my education, more like...delaying it. I have every intention of finishing, I just need to come up with the money first. Europe was just an excuse, we both knew that was never going to happen.

Mr. Treane owns the only successful business in Madison, where at different times my mother was occasionally employed. Last month I heard about a job opening up in a few months. I couldn't tell Danni that I already applied for the position. I couldn't tell her because as kids we fantasized about leaving Madison and not looking back. Which is precisely what she was doing and I didn't want her to talk me out of my choice. It would have been far too easy.

Danni's wedding is in just over a week. It's been a debatable controversy in her family because she's so young, but it also means my choices for lifestyle have suddenly become limited. Our apartment isn't large or overpriced by any means, but it is located in an actual city and the landlord appreciates timely rent. I love school and adore working at the shelter, but I also know it won't pay the bills. So I made the decision, literally this morning, to answer my father's emails, texts, and relentless phone calls – to move back home.

The only thing in my life I know with absolute certainty is how to take care of my family. And in peaceful, safe, Madison I knew that even if they didn't actually need me, they thought they did. And that's nearly the same.

My brother Andy is two years younger than I am, while the twins, Nick and Sammy, were only two when mom was diagnosed and four when she was taken. I grew up very quickly for a nine-year-old, and became the natural substitute for her, filling the role without hesitation or complaint. Or anything resembling a social life. Even when it came time for me to leave for college I was incredibly reluctant. If not for my mother's fervent wish I do exactly that, I would have stayed home and continued on as usual.

As it happened, my mother in her infinite foresight, must have known that I would have taken on her position, as well as that I would remain trapped in that status for the rest of my life. I would turn into an old maid, catering to my family's needs while celebrating the accomplishments of my friends and neighbors. And then one day I'd go crazy and turn into the cat-lady down the street who yells "Get off my lawn!" to anyone walking by.

So in a way, my mother saved me. Which I'm guessing is the reason that heaviness in my chest is telling me not to go home. I knew it meant I was chickening out, but it was the only choice left.

Madison was just as it always was. Even the same flattened can, the one in the middle of the road I ran over every time I drove this stretch, hadn't budged. The grumbling from my white Toyota over each familiar bump and pothole signaled home getting closer. Every tree, every yard held a memory, and for each house I passed I could name the occupants. All of it was inevitably, unerringly, unchanged. I sighed deeply at the predictability, pausing at the one stoplight, at the one intersection in town.

This is a mistake, this is a mistake, this is a mistake.

Time stood still here. Literally, time stopped. The clock over the garage at the gas station hasn't moved in twenty years.

Intermittent crocuses and lilies-of-the-valley peeked through the surface, hinting their intentions with the arrival of warmer weather but the ground was still thawing, and it created a depressingly muddy backdrop. The bleak outlook through the tattered lattice of trees recently coated in silence showed signs of budding and promised bursts of color.