The Simpsons React to Monsters Eat Whiny Children

Entire Story

Marge: *reads the title* Are you sure we should be reading this? I don't want the kids to get nightmares!

Bart: Come on, Mom! Maggie's too young to read, and we're big and tough now! Although, this would be the perfect story to scare Milhouse with!

Lisa: Bart, Milhouse isn't whiny!

Once, there were two perfectly delightful children.

Marge: Yes, that's true. There were once -- *sentimentally* and then there were three!

Bart & Lisa: *blushing* Mom!

Who were going through a terrible phase, which is to say they whined all day and night.

Marge: I sure remember that phase! Lisa wasn't so bad, but Bart, he was the worst!

Bart: Hey, I'm right here, Mom!

Homer: I'm glad Maggie hasn't said her first word yet -- if she can't talk, she can't whine!

*Maggie winks at the audience*

"I want to go outside!" whined Henry. "Outside! Outside!" whined Eve.

Marge: Okay, you did do a little bit of that when you were two, Lisa.

Lisa: Guess I've always been a nature lover.

"Where's my phone!?" whined Henry.

Marge: How old is he? Like, four? Four-year-olds shouldn't have phones!

"No grilled cheese!" whined Eve. And so on.

Marge: Ah, the picky eating phase. Bart was also terrible with that, but not so much Lisa.

Lisa: *smug smile* Guess I'm the better kid!

*Bart shoves her*

Their kindly father...

Homer: *smugly* About time I got a compliment!

Bart: Dad, the kids in the book aren't us! Their names are Henry and Eve, not Bart and Lisa!

Homer: D'oh!

...warned them that monsters ate whiny children. They didn't believe him.

Lisa: I don't blame them. I mean, even if, hypothetically, monsters that preyed on human children existed, why would the whiny ones be tastier or more nutritious? Even if the more vocal ones are easier to find, how come giggly children, or children who sing a lot aren't in more danger?

So they whined, and whined, until finally, one day, a monster came and stole them away.

*Marge holds Maggie tighter and looks at Lisa and Bart intently*

He brought them to his lair on the bad side of town.

Homer: Is that the part with no beer?

where he began making a whiny child salad. "I don't like sitting on the lettuce!" Henry whined. "No wooden bowl!" whined Eve.