lightning life: (un)spoken/writtenpoetry

remorse: again, rlly?

again, rlly? do I have to wake up again and see everything I hate about myself, the things that make me feel like I'm in a pool of doubt, screaming and begging for it all to be let out. again, rlly? must I see the girl I love walk past, sitting next to me, her golden hair, caring stare, golden beach blue eyes? whilst I'm over here hating my nose, arms and thighs? drowning and sinking and lower I go, the parts that tell me I'm no good and to not let it show, again, rlly? hating myself being told I'm pretty and not being able to respond, feeling like a black swan inna forbidden pond of pure, white angels while I feel like the lonesome sinner, the quitter, the no good screwup? the way I feel when ppl describe love thinking of the female dove, whilst I am the forbidden raven, the haven, unable and unstable, again, rlly? must I feel this feeling in my side, feeling the need to scratch or unalive, pick my nails, bite the inside of my cheek, I know I'm not unique but I wish you could see the way you make me feel, every other person has no appeal, so I'm sorry if I can't let go, if I let it show, only for you, the thought of you and him connected as one but two makes me cry, asking why, the way I hate my mind, body and myself, the way I feel it's better if I don't ask for help, the way I would love to take a knife to take my life, the very thing causing me strife, maybe choke on the invisible yoke, possibly drown down into the pool, thrashing, screaming, flailing, trying not to feel the cool sensation as my body goes numb, the parts of my fading and failing, the way id love to love, and hate to hate, loving you and hating me consistently, the question blaring in my head, again, rlly?