Secret Desires

✧ 8: Big Pile Of Mess

✧ July 17

       Dinner had gone as good as it could have. I hadn't been the center of attention and no one asked me any questions. I did get to sit where I wanted, Jill and Layla on either side of me. I spoke to the two of them but kept to myself for the most part. I'd chewed my food slowly and more than necessary to avoid speaking. I tried my best not to feel overwhelmed by my surroundings. There weren't any walls blocking the space behind me and the open concept of the house made it easier to feel less trapped.

        But that hadn't helped in making me feel less of a coward. I hardly looked up so as to avoid making eye contact with anyone. After coming back inside with Jake, my mind had been going over the small conversation we had. Small because he just wanted to hold me and kiss me and tell me how much he missed me. My heart had been racing but now it was sunken into my gut. Every word, every gesture, every second we spent together I was overanalyzing.

        When I'm with him, I feel like I could melt into him. His hands on my body, his voice whispering in my ear, his lips on mine. My body always reacted to his touch, his closeness.

        And he didn't love me.

        And I didn't love him.

        We don't love each other. It sounded... Wrong. We should love each other. There should be more but there isn't. I feel like I'm digging a hole with him but we already hit the bottom. This can't be the bottom. There has to be more. Maybe he was right. Maybe we just aren't there yet. I'm overthinking.

        "And I don't know if that's because I'm falling for you or because..."

        "Or because?"

        "Or because I already love you."

        I was unintentionally staring at David as I sipped from my cup. He was at the end of the sofa, laughing at his dad and Dallas arguing over the hockey game my mom put on for them. Most of us had migrated to the living room after dinner. I was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, people-watching basically.

        Claudia and my mom were sitting on the floor, watching the game as well. Though they were laughing more than watching like David was. It was odd, seeing them on the floor like that. Like they were two teenagers cackling to themselves. They looked much younger in this light. It made me smile. That smile fell when I looked over to see Jake talking to David. Jake was in the armchair beside David with a can of pop in one hand. I felt my face heat as they spoke, smiling at one another. Neither looked uncomfortable with the other.

        It made me think of the first dinner they had been invited to, at the old house. I think I missed when they struggled to find something they had in common. Their conversation had landed on Jake describing something being wrong with his car and David giving him a solution. Before and after that, it had been dry. Now the two of them were laughing. It unsettled me.

        "You're gonna burn a hole through them." I'd leaned away from her voice, looking up to see her smiling down at me. It was a knowing smile. She seemed to be in a better mood.

        "I see you're not hangry anymore." My tone was a bit sharp, but I didn't care. Dani snorted as she rounded the post to come sit by my side. With her long slender build, even sitting she was taller than me. I glanced to my side to see that her brown roots were starting to show. The once jet-black short pixie cut had grown out to more of a shaggy boy cut. Still, she looked more feminine than any female here.

        "I'm sorry if you were offended earlier." I raised an eyebrow at her. It didn't feel like an apology. Then again I hadn't really expected one. She laughed then, looking away to where Jake and David sat.