then
dad told us
not to have kids
until we have kids
then he'd look at me and say
you look like your mother
well your birth mom
that other lady
it's crazy how it was my mother and never his ex wife
then he'd shake his head and walk away
this would often happen after I did something wrong
lily, you didn't fold my clothes
or, his personal favorite
lily, you made my pb&j wrong
you must be doing something wrong
you have to do chores
until you confess what you did
then he'd berate me for hours on end
consisting of me
if able to talk saying
yes si-
or
there was no reaso-
before he cut me off
and then end with that up above
leaving me in a stunned silence
i do indeed look like my mother-his ex wife
i'm very light
too white
maybe he wished i wasn't
i carry her last name
he wasn't there because he wasn't sure it was his
i don't think i am
he only came because his own father wasn't in his life
and he couldn't bear to do that to someone else
it's funny
because
the little i know about my mother-his ex wife
is the person she thought was her dad
is not
generational curses
tears would stream down my face
sometimes i wish she had custody
then I'd hear him thunder down stairs
something he learned doing trash
something I had to help with
track, another thing i wasn't good at
i'd turn and busy myself with
some thing or anything
see you
he'd say cheerfully
like he hadn't just stripped me of
all of my confidence
my identity
and the concept of me
can you lock the door
say see you to my wife
it's crazy that it's his wife and never my mom
and then off he'd be
sliding into his hyundai tuscan
and driving away within seconds
so i'd lock it
i'd say goodnight to mom
id lay in bed and go to sleep
now
i wake up
it's funny how your parents words stick with you
no matter how much you hate them
the words-not them
i have no kids
and i don't want any
