newsies one-shots!

Newsies as actual conversations between my friends and I

you read the title...

It's gonna be silly, it's gonna be goofy, it's gonna be filled with the most unhinged shit ever, but that's that.

Race: I wonder how much I could make as a whipper.

Davey: A WHAT?

Race: A whipper, you know someone with the whips? The ropes that go sizzle-crackle-pop?

Davey: Oh thank god, I thought you said stripper.

Jack (in the far off distance): STRIPPER???

Albert: WHERE?

Davey: Oh god.

~~~~~

Race: So if I...

Davey: No.

Race: But if I...

Davey: No.

Jack: Wait I'm so lost, whats happening?

Davey: Race was trying to get me to help him shake the vending machine, since his doritos got stuck.

Race: HEY THAT'S NOT ACCURATE they were fritos 🥺

Jack: How'd you know thats what he was gonna say?

Davey: He's been banging on the vending machine for the past 5 minutes yelling "give me my fucking chips."

~~~~~

Jack: Okay, who has an example of someone famous who lives far from you?

Spot: Frida Khalo.

Finch: Who's that?

Jack: She was a famous painter, but she's dead, so pick someone else.

Race: Well if she's dead, ain't she far away from us?

*hysterical laughter all around*

Les: I don't get it.

~~~~~

Race: *singing along to a song* don't you want it? you know you want itttt

Spot: Yes daddy, I want it.

Race: ...

Spot: ...

Finch, Albert, Jojo, Specs, Les, Jack: *Laughing their asses off*

Davey: The fuck just happened?

~~~~~

Race: Hey where's Spot?

Jojo: I'll do you one better, who is Spot?

Davey: Oh lord, not this again.

Blink: I'll do YOU one better, WHY IS SPOT?

Race: Just tell me where Spot is, or I swear to you, I will shoot this little freak. *pointing pencil at Albert*

Jojo: LETS DO IT, YOU SHOOT MY GUY, I'LL BLAST HIM *points pencil at Elmer*

Elmer: Do it Race! i can take it

Finch: No he can't take it!

Specs: He's right you can't.

Race: Oh yeah, you don't want to tell me where he is? Thats fine, I'll just kill all three of you and beat the shit out of Spot myself! Starting with you! *points to Blink*

Specs: Spot? Alright let me ask you this one time, "wHaT mAstEr dO yOu sErvE?"

Race: What master do I serve? What am I supposed to say? Jesus?

Albert: You're from New York?

Race: I'm not from New York, I'm from Manhattan.

Jojo: Yeah thats in New York, dipshit.

Jack: *video-taping the whole thing while laughing his ass off*

~~~~~

Spot: Do you think if I get burned alive, will I get a discount for my cremation?

Finch: Hmm, I don't know. What would the discount be called?

Spot: I dunno, I was thinking itwould be something like "the human kebab" discount.

intense googling

Finch: Hey look, Google says that if its the cause of death, then yeah you get a discount.

Race: Whatcha guys talkin about?

Finch: If you get burned at the stake, do you get a discount for cremation?

Race: Well if you do, then burn me at the stake before I die. I can't afford cremation since I'm broke as fuck.

~~~~~

Jojo: *sigh* It's been a long day.

Davey: What happened to him?

Race: The lunchroom ran out of Polynesian sauce for the chicken nuggets.

Albert: So he had to use barbecue instead.

Jojo: WHAT'S THE POINT IN LIVING. *sobs*

Davey: Oh, wow. *goes back to reading book*

~~~~~

Race: If I were to say to you, "I love you" what would you do?

Katherine: Two things, number one, I'm dating someone, so you would never say that. Number two, you're gay as fuck.

Race: Now that is rude. I am a gay that chooses not to fuck. Therefore, how can I be "gay as fuck." (for context, my friend who I designated as Race, is asexual, meaning they find no sexual attraction to others)

Katherine: Dude. You are the smartest kinds of stupid I have ever encountered in my whole life.

Race: Why thank you.

~~~~~

Finch: I wonder what it would be like to be a boy scout.

Specs: Yeah, it sounds kinda fun

Race: I was a boy scout once!

Buttons: Ooh, what was it like?

Race: Ya know, the same old "will ya buy some mulch?" it got kinda boring, but then I got kicked out, so it's all good!

Jojo: How'd you get kicked out?

Race: Well, I started upselling the mulch, for 7 instead of 5, and keeping the profits for myself. Apparently that's some kind of tax evasion against the Boy Scouts, so I got kicked out.

yes this is an actual story between me and my friends. 8 year old version of my bff apparently committed a minor infracture of tax evasion. 

~~~~~

Albert: Have you ever wondered if it's possible to make brownies or cookies with crystal meth instead of sugar?

Finch: Aren't those, like, edibles or something?

Davey: No, edibles are made with weed. That's just a stupid idea.

Jack: How the fuck do you know what edibles are made of?

~~~~~

hehehe

the last one literally happened today lmao.

yep that's all for this little one-shot.

hehehehhehehe

ANYWAYS 

thats it for today, cuz i gotta go ✨sleep✨ this is probably the earliest I'm going to bed for the rest of the week...

OKTYBYEEEEE