Exit Wounds | Noah Sebastian

T H I R T Y F O U R

The mention of Finn has my heart twisting and writhing in my chest.  I can't believe he chose right now, before we elope on the deck of this egregious mansion in Big Bear.  My mom is going to have to fix my makeup, and I was just going to have to punch Noah when I see him.  This is torture, and not at the same time.  His words didn't make me sad, they just made me feel loved.

Laney, 

We finished our second album, it releases later today and I want to call you.  I hovered over your name in my contacts for too long.  I want to tell you about the album, because I know you would be into it.  I know how into religious history you were, and you would get all the things I want to say.  I wrote a song about you, several actually, though I'm not sure I'm ready to release them.  Fuck, I miss you.

I chuckle when I read the last line, his voice as clear in my head as if he said it out loud.  There's only a couple of letters left, I look out of the door in our room and note it's getting close to sunset.  The hot sun sitting low in the sky, making the lake bathed in gold.

Delaney,

I met someone.  

My heart twists again, in jealousy.  Thinking back to the day I saw Noah again for the first time, with his hand wrapped around Camille's.  It's been less than a year since he crashed back into my life, and we were getting married only a month after he proposed.  When you know, you know.

Laney,

I met someone.  I couldn't finish that last letter.  I didn't want to tell you about Camille.  I didn't want to tell you about her, because you should be her.  I shouldn't say that, think that, because she's so kind.  She's tall and beautiful and smart and understands my schedule.  She's not you though, but she's the closest thing to having you.  Fuck, Laney, you should be here.  I've tried to see you so many times, Finn won't tell me where you live and I know you hole up in your new apartment and don't come out so there's no chance you will see me.  You want so little to do with me that you don't leave your apartment.  I found your address once, I know it.  I have it, but I know you don't want to see me so I keep my distance.  

I take the last two letters and shred them to pieces.  They were painful to read, and I never wanted to see them again.  Noah could write me new letters, but I didn't want to see the letters were he talked about her. Especially not when he had basically implied she was a placeholder.  I hold the last letter in my hand, worried about what it says.

My love,

My wedding gift to you is the letters I wrote you.  I can't think of anything better to give you on this day than a glimpse into my headspace.  I want to show you I loved you then and I love you still.  No matter what happens to day, if it rains or or your shoes don't fit just right or if you hate your hair being pinned up, by the end we will be married.  You know I didn't have the greatest upbringing, and I never thought of getting married.  I didn't think about it until I met you and knew I couldn't live without you.  I had to let you go for a little while, but I always carried you with me.  I love you, Delaney, you are my soulmate.  The other half of me that makes me whole.  I am so excited for the adventure we start today, see you at the altar.  I'll be the one not wearing joggers for once.

Love, Noah

I chuckle at his words, dabbing at my eyes with a tissue.  Inside of the envelope is a necklace, it matches the art deco style of my ring and vintage champagne colored dress.  Three golden flower filigrees, set with ivory pearls are surrounded by crystals and connected between each flower with curled hand beaded golden eye pins.  It's gorgeous.

My mom sticks her head in and is followed by sage, "Hey, I told you no crying."  She sits me in the chair and starts dabbing makeup under my eyes.

"You shouldn't even bother, I'm just going to cry again when I see him," I joke.

"You are going to cry, he's so handsome," she sighs and I cut my eyes at her to remind her that's my husband she's talking about.  "You ready?"

"I've never been more ready for anything in my life," I tell her before downing my champagne.  

I look at myself again, smoothing down the silk of my dress as my mom places the necklace on me and fastens the clasp.

"You look beautiful," she says resting her chin on my shoulder and I close my eyes and lean into the embrace.  "Let's get you married."

There was no aisle to walk down, no guests other than our closest friends and family, no expensive dress.  Okay, it wasn't that expensive. I step out into the living room, the chiffon curtains we had put up over the back doors billow in the wind.  It gives me a peek-a-boo of Noah standing with Jolly next to the railing that overlooks the lake.  He's wearing slacks and a button up, sans shoes, and his curtain bangs fly around his face when the wind blows.  The sun was as low in the sky as it could be without it being fully dark.  The late sky casting a blue hue over the deck and Noah's beautiful face.

Noah had showed me a few things about his work and I was obsessed with creating my own production.  I had created a compilation of the instrumentals of every song I thought about when I thought about Noah and my love for him.  I spent ten days getting the flow and layering just right for today.  The mix is playing from a speaker on the deck.

Noah grins when I step through the curtains, I reach him in a couple of steps and when he bends down to kiss me I punch his arm.  One of our friends chuckles, but I can't make out who it is.  

"What the hell was that?"

"That is for ruining my makeup," I reply, narrowing my eyes at him and he grins triumphantly.

"Can we not fight on our wedding day?"

"Apparently not," I retort.

"You look beautiful," he compliments, rubbing his arm where I hit him.

"So do you," I tell him and I mean it.  He's the most beautiful man I've met, inside and out.  I can't believe we are doing this.

"What do you think?  Still want to do this?"  I throw my head back and laugh, before nodding at him.  

My dad, who offered to officiate, got ordained online.  He said a few words, reading something he obviously printed off the website.  Noah and I exchanged our own vows, short and personal.  The whole ceremony lasted 10 minutes.  When my dad pronounced us man and wife, Noah wrapped his arms around me and kissed me softly before dipping me and deepening the kiss while our friends cheered.

Bryan took a few photos for us, but I didn't want to spend the whole night taking pictures.  When the ceremony and pictures were done, my dad fired up the grill and my mom made salads in the kitchen, everyone else pitching in to help while Noah and I walk down to the water.  

"I loved you then, and I love you still," Noah tells me as my toes squish in the sand.

"I ripped up a couple of the letters you gave me," Noah chuckles as he pulls me into him, we watch as the sun completely disappears, turning the sky to twilight.  "And I love you still."

The End