Not Letting Go

Part 3

I wasn't sure how I was going to help Harry if I couldn't even get better myself. I had a free period after transfiguration so I made my way to the room or requirement. I figured I would probably spend a lot of time there this year. I paced back and forth in front of the entrance three times and a door appeared. when I walked in there was a couch and fireplace as well as a bed on the far left corner of the room next to it was a nightstand with a lamp. On the other side there was a desk with parchment a quill and a journal.

I took a seat on the couch, and tried to think of ways that I could help Harry. I know that  I said I wouldn't tell anyone but I trust Severus with my life, but Harry definitely doesn't, and there's no way he would trust me after that. I  could help him think of other ways to cope. And he can always just talk to me.

 While I was thinking it occurred to me that I could put a concealment charm on my wounds to cover them. I muttered the incantation and traced my wand over my cuts. 

When I was finished I pulled my sleeve back down. 

I wrote down a few ideas:

Finding other ways to cope

Recognizing triggers 

Maybe get a licensed therapist 

Warning signs

Merlin, I sound like Severus. I folded the list and put it in my pocket. I would bring it back to the dorm later.

I felt guilty about last night, especially hiding it. Maybe I should just tell Severus about it. But that was just a thought, he would be so disappointed. I've been clean for almost 2 years just to throw it all away. 

What the fuck is wrong with you. You were doing so well. You're broken Draco, BROKEN! what don't you understand about that. You obviously aren't gonna get better.

No, no I'm gonna get better. This is just a setback, I'm still in recovery and that's okay. Just shut up!

I blade had showed up on the desk, I wasn't sure when it appeared, it just had. 

I felt like it was calling me, luring me back into its grasp.  I went to pick it up, but stopped myself and went to see Severus. I wasn't sure why all of a sudden I wanted to relapse again, I hadn't done it in what felt like an eternity, but now I needed it so much it showed up in room of requirement right next to me? 

I got to Severus' office and knocked on the door

"Hey, it's Draco," I announced

"Come in"

I opened the door and sat myself across from Severus his desk separating us. 

"What's up, Draco" Severus said obviously sensing Draco's mood.

"I need to talk to you about something serious," I said quietly, looking down. 

My throat felt like it was closing, my chest was getting heavy, my palms were sweating, and my leg was bouncing violently. 

"What is it? I promise that whatever it is I won't be mad," 

"I relapsed" I blurted out abruptly.

Severus gave me a blank stare that quickly transformed into a concerned one.

SHIT

SHIT

SHIT

SHIT 

SHIT

"Draco, calm down, what happened" I must've looked panicked so I quickly changed my face and tried to look Severus in the eye but I was ashamed. Ashamed of not getting better. Ashamed of throwing away all my progress. Ashamed of not coming her instead. Ashamed of not knowing why I'm like this.