I am not a sinner. | Fyolai

Chapter eleven.

Fyodor sat here for hours and hours. He only got up when the people started to gather in for a mass. Even then he stayed quite out of it, which no one seemed to notice. All Fyodor could hear were words about how Nikolai turned himself in and is now in the palace prison, waiting for the day of his death. It feels like the priest's heart stopped. This is also partly his fault.

On the other hand, God have betrayed Fyodor who prayed to him to keep Nikolai safe. Which got him thinking about all the times he prayed and got nothing out of it. He is doubting his beliefs right now. Which he is feeling very ashamed of himself for. But everything he were so secure in before is falling apart ever since he got closer to Nikolai and will probably fully loose balance when he'll be gone forever.

No matter how much is Fyodor trying to deny himself of any emotions he is deeply torn apart. There is a hole in a place where his heart used to be and Nikolai is the one who stole it. Which is one of the reasons Fyodor agree with The King's request of Nikolai's last confession and prayer in Fyodor's church.

. . .

Jingle bells on Nikolai's hat used to be the only sound that were heard when he walked, now it's handcuffs. He is being treated as some kind of dangerous animal, as if everyone forgotten he used to be the one making them laugh. They look at him as if he's a killer. And maybe he is, after all he basically killed himself and Fyodor's soul as well.

"I can't move my hands" the jester state with troubled expression while looking at Fyodor.

"I know" the priest nods and look down for a moment. He wanted to request taking those handcuffs off, but he realized he feel safer this way too.

They move onto the confession room. The guards stay outside. Fyodor move away the wooden 'wall' that normally keep priest and the one confessing distant. He want to see Nikolai now more than anytime before. He want to remember every detail of his face and paint him in his memories until the end of his own days.

"I don't want to confess anything" the jester shook his head.

"But I do" Fyodor start "I am questioning my beliefs. How does it feel to be without God, Nikolai?"

Those words are so hard to say. Fyodor never questioned his loyalty to God. It's insane how one person can turn whole world around just by existing.

"A little more free, but scary" he smile sheepishly "It's like dying, but not leaving yet."

"Nikolai, I would go with you if I weren't a priest" and that is a confession, the deepest one he have ever heard in this room.

When he close his eyes he can picture it. Seeing how they run off into a different kingdom and start a new life, together, as friends to everyone, as something more to themselves. Nikolai won't be a jester and Fyodor won't be a priest, but when he open them again everything is still the same as before. Miserable.

"Fyodor, I am not afraid to die" he shook his head and looked up "I am afraid of never knowing how it feels like to be yours, if even for a short moment."

His eyes are begging and Fyodor can very hardly resist such a wish. After all, it's his own wish as well. The priest can try to pray for forgiveness later and the jester gave up on believing long time ago. What actually is there to loose? Not anything that would be more worthy.

Fyodor hid his cross under his clothes, as if he hoped that would make God look away. His hands then trapped Nikolai's face between them. Deep breath. He can do this, right now he can. So, his lips move closer to Nikolai's and this time no one pull away. They touch and taste like tears, salty like a deep ocean which they're both falling into.

As the priest pull away, Nikolai follow his body, it's obvious he didn't get enough. But Fyodor cannot give him more, not even now. Because even though he care about the jester there is still his own life than he cannot throw away.

"Fyodor-"

The priest cut him off "Do not be foolish, Nikolai. You do not need this to know how it feels like to be mine" he shook his head as he pulled the troubled fool close to his chest, embracing him in his arms for the first and last time in their life. And, for that moment everything felt almost full.