"Do you have other friends?" tanong niya.
Tumango ako. "Meron, doc. 'Yung kinwento ko kanina. Varsities sila. Ka grupo ko. Hindi ako close sa kanila noon pero dahil hindi nila ginagawang biro 'yung karanasan ko, o hindi nila pinag-uusapan sa nakakagalit na paraan, sa kanila na ako madalas sumama."
She smiled. "You found the right people..."
Inabot ko ang tissue. Nasa labi niya ang ngiti habang kusa kong pinupunasan ang mukha ko. Kanina ko pa 'to gustong gawin pero mas gusto kong bumuhos lahat ng emosyon ko na ayoko iyong punasan muna.
I sat on the sofa again comfortably. Hinila ko ang hoodie sa likod at iniwan ang itim na t-shirt para mas maging presko ang nararamdaman ko at isinabit iyon sa balikat ng sofa.
"Gustong gusto ko silang maunawan pero...paano ko iyon gagawin kung kahit ako, hirap akong unawain ang sarili ko? Minsan, ayokong naiisip na ganoon ang mga bakla, pero hindi ko makontrol ang tingin ko sa kanila. Oo nga, nasa isip ko lang. O dapat huwag ko nalang isipin. Pero iyon nga ang problema kasi kahit ayaw kong isipin, naiisip ko, doc..."
May kung ano siyang isinulat na hindi ko na inusisa pa lalo na't tiningnan niya rin ako pagkatapos noon at ipinagsalikop ang mga kamay.
"I understand your frustration about this, Reagan. You are not just having anxiety but also hyperarousal... Let's talk about fight and flight. Do you know that term?"
I nodded. "Yes, doc. Fight or flight helps us manage certain situations when we sense something isn't right... o 'yung ikakapahamak natin."
"Yes, that's right. But during hyperarousal episodes, our fight or flight response is very much intensified to the point that, although you're normally in a safe environment, you feel the need to alert yourself to your surroundings that exaggerates your thinking, making it impossible for you to handle your emotions very well or normally act the way you normally do..."
Tahimik akong nakinig.
"Let's say, mag-isa ka. Ngunit ayaw mo nang magpatay ng ilaw dahil takot ka sa dilim na baka...may baklang magpakita at ulitin niya ang ginawang kinakatakutan mo. That moment, your fight-or-flight is super aroused that you can't even sleep in the darkness because of your fear that someone might suddenly pop out—which was impossible from the first place since you are alone—but because you are having an episode of hyperarousal, you can't barely think straight and rational..."
She's...right. Hindi ako makatulog pag patay ang ilaw. It was just a simple worry, or something that I was already used to, but I never recognized it as...more than anxiety.
"I would employ dialectical behavior therapy, a method that is used in my field, as your psychotherapy to help you regulate your emotions. In this therapy, you will go through several phases of acceptance during this process in order to comprehend why, in the wake of a traumatic occurrence, you act in that manner. It will teach you how to manage your episodes in a way that is more suitable and comfortable than it was before."
I listened carefully as I tried to pay attention to each word. Tumayo si Doc Jane at binuksan ang balkonahe niya. Lumingon siya sa akin at sumenyas na pumunta roon kaya tumayo ako para makalapit sa kanya.
"What do you see, Reagan?" she asked.
Iginala ko ang tingin. Bukod sa buildings, ang kapansin pansin ay ang matingkad na asul na langit.
"Buildings at asul na langit," sagot ko.
"The blue sky," she echoed my answer. "You didn't bring an umbrella because you thought it wouldn't rain, right?"
Tumango ako.
"Now, what if it gets rain? What would happen?" she asked critically.
Tiningala ko ang asul na langit. Masyadong matingkad iyon para isiping...uulan.
Chapter 18
Start from the beginning
