Ambivalent

*Chapter Two*

6th grade

Valentine's day.

I'm going to ask her to be my valentine, she won't say no, right?

I take in a deep breath when Wesley walks up to me, clasping his hand on my shoulder. "Finally making a move on the Hudson girl?" I blush and look away. Wes' best friend is Ricky and they hang out like all the time, but sometimes, me and Wes talk just the two of us and I admitted my crush on Camila to him the other day, though he told me it was pretty obvious since at least third grade. It was so embarrassing.

"I'm going to try, if that's what you're asking."

Wesley shrugs and looks in Stassie's direction, his breathing quickening when she looks back at him. Wes' light brown hair looks like he just woke up, though with some gel and he's even wearing a suit. Well, the pants, shirt and suit vest at least.

"I say, go all out. Worst she can do is say no, right?" He looks at me briefly before winking and picking up a rose from his table, walking towards Stassie and handing her the red rose.

She must have said yes because next thing I know, she jumps on his arms and he spins her around.

I'm happy for them, genuinely. Stassie transferred to our school last year and since then, they've been good friends and I think it was just the inevitable waiting to happen.

Stassie is everything Wes isn't.

She's sweet while he's grumpy, she's kind whereas he can be pretty rude sometimes, she looks like a delicate flower while he looks like a thorned rose, and somehow, they're perfect for each other.

Sighing, I turn to look at Camila who's wearing a beautiful light pink dress and a matching ribbon tying her hair.

I take a deep breath and walk towards her, running a hand through my hair to hopefully keep it in place.

"Hey," I say as I approach her and she stops talking with her friends to look back at me. "Oh, it's you."

I try to force a smile even though I want to cry right now. "I got you flowers," I hand her a small bouquet with three red roses. Mrs.Hudson has a rose bush in her garden and she said I could take some, and when I asked for it, she even tyed them with a pink ribbon so it wouldn't be too red.

Camila takes the flowers and looks between the bouquet and me before snorting. "I'm not going to be your valentine, Hendrix."

My lips are still holding the smile when I give her a small nod, saying, "I hope you have a happy valentine's day." before leaving to go to the restroom.

Leaning myself on the counter, I take a look at myself in the mirror and close my eyes, wettening my face with the cold water.

She'll never like someone like me.

It's the damn freckles. I knew I should have stolen mom's make-up and cover them up, maybe Mrs.Hudson would help me. Should I consider contacts to change my eye color? Everyone either has dark brown eyes or deep blue eyes, not a mixture between blue and grey. Maybe it's my hair, I touch the part of my hair that falls to cover my eyes now that the gel has come off, maybe I should cut it.

I sigh and wash my face again.

Is it my lips? Are they too full? Too red?

I run a hand down my face and groan.

Mom never told me I'm pretty, and dad, well, he just cares about mom. You'd think that my mom cheating on Mr.Hudson with my dad and then leaving him because it was the best for me would mean she cares about me, but it doesn't. They only care about public appearances and that I will one day take-over dad's place in his company. I don't want to be an accountant, but I don't know quite yet what I want to be, but that's a problem for future me to deal with.

Suddenly the bathroom door opens and Wes walks inside, nudging my arm, "You alright?" He asks me and I nod.

No, I want to say, No, I'm not alright. I'm far from alright.

"Yeah, rejection is hard, not that you know that, though." I give him a wicked smile and he rolls his eyes. "Congratulations, by the way."

I mean it. I genuinely am happy for Wes and Stassie, though I wish I was that lucky.

"Thanks, J. By the way, me and Stassie are going to McDonald's after school to have dinner, wanna join?" I smile and shake my head. "I'm not going to ruin your first date as a couple." I laugh and Wes turns on the tap and throws some water at me making me laugh even harder.

"You're such an ass, Jason." I snort and throw my arm around his shoulders. "Guess I learned from the best."

We arrive at the classroom and Stassie runs to Wes, throwing her small arms around his torso and bringing him in for a hug. Wesley is as much into affection as a cat into water, but he hugs her back anyways. He'll be a softie for her and I'm pretty sure if she wants to be glued to him all day, he won't say no.

I sit down at my desk next to Christian who has about fifteen envelopes full of hearts drawn and kisses. I'm jealous, but not of the attention he gets from other girls, but that the one girl he likes, likes him back.

I'm writing in my notebook when a pink papered note falls in my sight. "Chris, I think it's for you." I tell him, completely dismissing the note and sending it to his side of the table.

"Nope, it's for you, it has Jason written on it."

My head snaps to his direction and I take the note from his hands, opening it carefully and reading it's neatly written message.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I'm glad it's your eyes I get lost in.

-Anna

It doesn't even rhyme, but I look towards the girl anyways and give a small smile, polite but not inviting.

Maybe it should be inviting. I look at her again and show her my small dimples. I never show them to anyone except Camila, but she doesn't seem to like them, while Anna looks like her head could explode from how hard she's blushing.

Anna comes from The Netherlands and her english isn't very good, but she's a very sweet girl. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to try it out with her.

After class I walk towards her and ask, "Would you like to go out for dinner with me?" She quickly nods, her cheeks blushing very hard as her blue eyes look away from me before replying, "Ja, I would love to."

And that's how I almost had my first kiss.

Except I didn't.

******

My poor sweet boy *sniffs*