Hidden behind the mask

Stranger to myself

Pretending my whole life,
to be someone else,
I'm this person,
this person,
and this person,
but I don't know which one I am,
they all seem the same,
but at the same time very different,
you have to look closely,
to realise they're not all actually identical.

I don't know how it started,
I guess I masked more than average,
but there were still visible traits,
that others expected me to hide away,
school and family,
making me feel like the true me wasn't ok,
I don't even know what I was truly like,
since that's all the things the made up version of me liked.

I feel it's too late,
I'm already 19 years old,
I wasted so much time being someone else,
now it's likely no one will believe me,
since I'm undiagnosed,
I know I don't fit anywhere,
I'm an outsider to autistics and non-autistics,
self diagnosis is hated a lot,
I wished it could just be an official one,
or that labels weren't needed so much for others to believe you.

I'm so tired,
of not knowing who I am,
I can't really make friends,
since if I don't know myself,
what is there to talk about,
I'm so scared,
I feel like I'm stuck,
I know the real me,
the true me is in there somewhere,
they're just locked away.

I don't know how to get them out,
to be my true self,
to unlock what I hidden away,
it's been so many years of hiding,
I don't want that side of me to get hurt by the world,
I can't stim freely,
I feel self conscious every time I do,
anything I do that is the true part of me,
makes me feel ashamed.

Sometimes I want to run away from myself,
but maybe that's the hidden part of me,
they want to escape and get out,
I kept them away from the world for so long,
that it's hard to know that version of me is ok.

I don't know if anyone believes me,
that I'm actually autistic,
they met my masked version,
not the real version,
I don't think I seem autistic at all,
I'm not the stereotypical version I don't think,
but I don't know until I learn to unmask completely.

I know I would be happier,
when I discover myself more,
I no longer want to be a stranger to myself.