The Deal

Chapter Thirty Three

Sometimes I just catch myself staring at him, analyzing his features and almost searching for a flaw but I find nothing, either because he's just that beautiful or my brain simply skips it over. He consumes my thoughts like he's controlling them, his laugh makes my chest swell and fuels me with something I didn't know I was missing. Maybe because it isn't something I hear out of him a lot.
Just the touch of his fingers on my skin makes my pulse spike and I swear my skin tingles whenever he touches. His voice sinks into me, soothing my nerves and making me shiver, just the warmth of his breath on my skin feels as if I've been drowned in melatonin and I could fall asleep in his arms right there.

My chest feels full, full of warmth and some fuzzy softness that's almost overbearing and drowns out the pit in my stomach that never leaves and the constant weight on my chest from all of my burdens, everything in my past and the reckless things I do to erase it. It's powerful enough to erase it all.

It feels like letting your breath out after holding it forever. It feels like the blood draining back into your arm after it fell asleep..as odd as it sounds. It just feels..radiant.

And I don't understand why.

My nose brushes against his neck as I try to scoot closer to him, his chain rubbing against my lips. Feeling the warmth of his skin. I want to kiss his neck too.. I just want to kiss him..

Not sexually..not right now. I think I'd give up sex completely if I couldn't have it with him anymore. Sleeping with anyone else has been ruined and I don't care who it is. No one will compare to him and that scares me for when it stops.
If somehow I end up married someday, I'll be lying in bed to whatever guy that was dumb enough to marry me and the only thing on my mind will be Rafe.

Where is he? Who is he with? Where did he end up?
Did he move away from here? I suppose I'll still have Sarah and I can ask her and maybe that scares me even more, to know what he's doing and where he's at and I'm not there.

A small sting in my eyes almost makes me jump as I blink them. I must be really out of it from almost dying and whatever pain medication they gave me, although they had to tip toe around it since I'm highly addicted to anything that numbs.

I blink again, blocking out the dampness that filled my vision and the ache in my chest that dances with jealousy over the fact that he will marry someone someday. Probably some kook from figure eight who wears golf skirts and whose jewelry costs more than whatever future house rent I'll have.

The worry for my future only floods in and mixes with it making a nauseating toxicity choke me.

I don't want fall in love and I don't want to be married.
I've always wanted to be a mom and I hate that I'm selfish enough that I want it so bad. I would get myself pregnant just to have that little me, someone I could fall in love with in a different way and know I could love them back as much. Whether I let the father stay in the picture or not I wouldn't be in love with them. Whoever he would he would probably be abusive if it follows the pattern of men in my life.. It wouldn't be the life eight year old me imagined.

A house on the beach with a big pool lit up by those expensive underwater lights and big patio with a pergola and fairy lights like Sarah's strung up. The smell of the barbecue while my husbands makes dinner and our kids run and play with the dogs, the sun setting over in the distance, it's light creating waves of mixed colors on the water as its warmth lingers in the air but I'd be filled with warmth even without the sun. My life would be full.

I want to fall in love but I can't, it'll hurt too much. I'll end up married to someone I don't love because if I really love them I'd run as far away from them as I can. I can't hurt someone I love so much, let them down and break them and that's just what I do, I'm so self destructive that I destroy everyone in my path and it's not fair to them. I just won't be that cruel. You can't love someone if you're too consumed in drowning in pain and the never ending torture of your past. Or maybe you can but I don't know what that looks like so instead I'll play it safe.