The Deal

Chapter Thirty

"Well what do you want to be?" Sarah's question pulls me from my thoughts and I feel my brows draw together as I look up at her, referring to Rafe and I.
Again..I rather not thread there or I might find something shiny enough to give hope to and it'll only crush me when it goes dull.

"Out of debt" I sigh, pulling my eyes from her and they fall. Although I'm not even sure I'm telling the truth. I don't want to owe money..who does? But if my debts paid off then that's the end of this thing with Rafe.. My eyes fall to the floor and Toppers stupid sister flashes through my head, and the way her hands were all over Rafe like he belonged to her. I can physically feel the heat rise under my skin as it makes jealousy stir. He's mine.. How can I possibly let him go after all of this? After my debt is paid off? When I get so unbelievably angry just thinking about anymore touching him. I just don't get it.
He's mine to fuck..I simply don't want anyone else using him....I could contract something. That's all.

But that has nothing to do with the way he makes me feel, I can feel the way my stomach flutters just thinking about his hand wrapped around mine..I hate this! I hate all of it, it makes no sense..

"Lily.." Sarah says, using that tone with me like she does when she thinks I'm lying. My eyes flicker to her wondering what she's meaning. "What?"
"For the love of god! Pull your head out of your ass and stop being dumb I'm the blonde one!" She exclaims, throwing her arms around as she speaks and I stare up at her confused. "Huh?"

I watch as she takes a deep breath as if she's trying to keep her cool before coming to sit next to me on my bed. "You like him" she tells me pulling my hands into hers and I scrunch my fave up in disgust. Is she insane? I don't like him. I like when he fucks me and I like the security he provides and I like how safe I feel, or being in his arms, I like the way he smells and the sound of his voice, I like holding his hand and the sound of his breathing is oddly soothing. For some reason listening to his heartbeat puts me right to sleep when I'm laying against his chest and oh my god when I'm laying with him, his arms around me.. sometimes I swear it's a dream. Nothing in my life has ever felt so warm and safe..

But despite all of that I don't like him, I don't want that....I can't want that.

"No I don't" I say and Sarah rolls her eyes so far back in her head it looks painful. "I know your lying"
"I don't"
"Why won't you admit it? Are you worried I'll be upset? Because if you are, that's not true, I won't be" she says squeezing my hands and I shake my head. "It's not that.." I tell her, although it does feel relieving to hear her say that. At least I know she isn't uncomfortable with what is going on between Rafe and I.

"Then what is?" She asks, shifting on the bed and I pull my eyes from her, staring off into the distance somewhere. "I..I don't want to, I don't want to fall for anyone because that only leads to potentially falling in love and I can't have that" I explain watching her eyes go round with concern and confusion.
"You don't want to fall in love?" She asks and I sigh, chewing on the inside of my lip. "Of course I do but it would never work. There's too much dark and heavy in my life and I wouldn't want to weigh someone down. If I got to the point where love was close then I obviously would care about whoever it was and it would hurt so bad to have to let them go" I explain, wondering if it sounds as awful as it feels. I feel like a monster for it..

"Why would you have to let them go?"
"Because I couldn't love them back, even if I did..I wouldn't be able to show it and hook them, give them hope just to break them and that's exactly what would happen..I break everything I touch" I tell her watching her chew on her lip before her mouth falls into a flat line and she nods. "I wish you could see how deserving you are of love Lils" she reaches up and brushes her fingers over my cheek. "But I get it..I don't think all of that is exactly true but I know you've been through a lot and if that's how you feel then I want disregard it" she tells me giving my hands a squeeze. "Thanks Sarah" I give her a small smile.