IF I LOVED YOU: rwrb

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hiiii everyone. i am once again processing my autism feelings via fanfiction because it is literally the only way i can coherently word my thoughts and feelings. awesome!

(p.s. happy bday alex)

—

"Fuck!"

Alex jumps and nearly stabs himself with the large knife he's holding. The knife falls back to the cutting board, right next to the half-cut white onion. He contemplates, for a moment, if he should use it as a self-defense weapon against the intruder.

"Motherfucker. Alejandro!"

Ah. Nevermind then.

"Nora, what the hell?" Alex turns down the stove and storms out of the kitchen, coming face to face with his best friend, who somehow managed to break through multiple levels of security into his home.

"Alex, oh my fucking God."

He takes in Nora's appearance. She's in sweats; her hair is a mess; she has no makeup; she looks like she hasn't slept, and she's jittering with caffeine. It's akin to when she has her days-long hyperfocus sessions.

Alex, of course, assumes the worst. "Jesus, what happened?"

"I'm so sorry for ever calling you a big, dumb, oblivious bisexual idiot."

"...What?"

Nora catches her breath and throws a pair of keys on the kitchen counter — how she got them, Alex will never know. "I need..." —she sniffs the air— "...picadillo."

Alex furrows his eyebrows, but turns back to the stove. "Honestly, your ADHD is worse than mine."

Nora hums and maneuvers around him, reaching into the freezer and pulling out his stash of helados. "I'm taking these too."

"Hey, wait, no, those are mine—"

"Fuck you, I'm on my period."

Alex grunts and turns back to the cutting board. Nora grins.

After another round of bickering, Nora threatening to eat his last paleta, and Alex trying desperately to finish dinner without getting distracted, Nora finally explains what's on her mind.

"June," Nora says through an overstuffed bite of ground beef and potatoes.

Alex scrunches his nose and frowns, "No."

"Yes," Nora rolls her eyes. "Relax, I'm not gonna go spilling our sexcapades or something—"

"I didn't even need to know those exist."

"Stop being such a prude."

"I'll be as much of a prude as I like when it comes to my sister, thank you very much."

"She knows all about your sex life too, babe."

Alex attempts to flick a piece of cilantro at her. It sticks to his hand.

Nora groans loudly and takes another large bite from her taco. "June said..." she sighs. "She said I was her girlfriend."

"Are you...not?" Alex picks at his own food. "I mean, I know you have that thing going on with Pez, but like— you know what, I actually don't need to know about that."

"I guess I never thought about it. Or we never, like, actually talked it through," she shrugs. "I was totally fine with just having a homoerotic gal-pal friendship forever, to be honest."

"That sounds like something I would do."

"I know!" Nora groans, exasperated. "And here I thought you were just a man, but no, I guess bisexuals are just a mess no matter the gender."

Alex should probably be offended. He's not. "I'll drink to that."

There's a pause in the conversation as they eat, and then Alex opens up the wine cabinet. "You want some?" he asks, already pulling out two glasses.

Nora sighs dreamily, "I knew there was a reason I kept you around."

They move to the couch, and Nora immediately makes herself at home, kicking her feet on Alex's lap and nearly sloshing wine onto the carpet. Alex, now a Responsible Adult Homeowner™, gets after her.

"You know I don't really date," Nora stares at the wall. "You were the only real relationship, to be honest. And even that wasn't really..." she trails off and quirks an eyebrow at him. He laughs.

"Yeah, no. I think you just have a thing for the Claremont-Diaz family."

"It's a your mom joke waiting to happen."

Alex shoves her feet away.

"It's just like—" Nora sips. "Relationships are...hard. They're weird. Romance. And feelings." She shivers, as if it physically pains her to think about such things. "I just...sometimes I don't get it. And it pisses me off, because I'm supposed to get everything. But sometimes there aren't 100% certain answers to things, and I just fucking hate it."

"Yeah, I get that."

"Do you?" Nora frowns. "It feels like it's coded into my brain. I need an answer, and it literally hurts when I don't have one." She shakes her head, "That's what this feels like, I guess. When it comes to romance, and feelings, and relationships, and shit."

Oh. Well. Maybe Alex doesn't totally get it, but he thinks he can almost relate to an extent: the need for certainty. The long hours spent trying to understand. He and Nora are so similar sometimes; it's why they didn't work out. But Alex is learning to let go of those old habits — for Nora, it's harder.

"Look," Alex starts, "I don't totally get it. But I love my sister. And I will kill anyone who tries to hurt her—"

"Honestly, she'll probably kill them herself first—"

"—but. I also love you. And you don't need to do anything you're uncomfortable with. June's an adult, she'll be okay."

"But that's the thing. I'm not...uncomfortable with it. I just don't understand. It doesn't register in my brain." A pause. "And I don't not like her," she hides a small smile behind a sip of her drink, but Alex still sees it.

He grins, "Okay."

Nora sneaks a glance at him before turning away again, "And I...I mean, nothing will really change between us. We're still the same. We still exist together. Just..." she shakes her head and melts into the couch, "I just don't— ugh. I can't even word it."

"You don't even have to label it if you don't want to."

"Yeah, I know," she purses her lips as she thinks. "Maybe that's the problem."

"Maybe."

Her glass is already half empty, and she's practically sprawled across the couch. "I just hope she understands me. Which is stupid, considering I don't even understand me," she puts her glass on the coffee table and falls back into the cushions. "I like being with her. I just can't...romantically all the time. Sometimes it just fucks me up," she frowns at Alex. "I don't want to hurt her, either."

"You won't. Run the numbers."

"86% she gets it. That still leaves 14%."

"I'm no data scientist, but those sound like pretty good odds."

"Not perfect, but...worth the risk."

"I might be biased, but I think you two are always worth the risk."

—

it took me. so FUCKING long to post this. because my laptop has decided to become a snail and literally WONT DO ANYTHING?????? AND THEN AO3 WENT DOWN. WHY IS THIS MY LIFE

* 1084 words (March 27, 2024)