Queen of Nothing

23. enough

"After careful consideration of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to Columbia University..."

As I drove, the streets blurred together, morphing into a hazy backdrop for my spiraling thoughts, as the vodka continued to course through my veins and dull the sharp edge of my emotions. I took another swig, wincing at the way it burned a path down my throat, until I was left with something a little similar to blinding agony.

"After careful consideration of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to Columbia University..."

Tears started to spill down my face and I didn't notice, as the landscape of my thoughts grew more and more frenzied. I didn't want my reality anymore, didn't want anything to do with it. This was my last chance out, and I'd squandered it, on a stupid fight with Zara that only broke everything a little bit more.

My phone buzzed, but I ignored it, not yet ready to witness the joy of those that did get in, coupled with their immediate attempts at assuaging my feelings. I didn't want their pity or their hollow words of consolation. All I wanted was to drown out the noise, to lose myself in the inky hot folds of my anger. I found myself parked at Newbury park, as the sun was setting, and I continued to take swigs, until the bottle was almost empty

The sun soon disappeared and I found myself unable to move, devoid of any will to do something responsible. 

The responsible thing, I thought, with distaste, I never had the choice to act otherwise, did I? 

My phone buzzed again, with messages from Gia: 

G: where did u go? 

G: mahi? 

G: are u okay? what happened? 

I typed a quick reply, feeling anger bubble to the surface, 

M: oh now u want to know what i'm doing? 

G: mahi that's not fair

M: ur one to talk 

I muted her messages and scrolled down, wondering how it would feel to inflict even a portion of the pain I was feeling. I wanted to extinguish it, numb it, and I had no clue on how to do that. 

I saw a message from Milo: 

Milo: are u over this? do u want to talk? 

I frowned, wondering how he could even think like that when my whole world was coming crashing down. How could the world keep moving, keep spinning, when mine was threatening to come to a standstill? I felt the absolute desperation claw up my throat, choking the air out of my lungs. 

I leaned against my headrest, and pondered it for a moment longer, before turning the car on again. 

---

Not ten minutes later, I was parked in front of Milo's house. I'd thought about calling before, but I knew what that would mean. He would pick me up, drive me home and tuck me into bed to console me. Before turning to leave me in the same room as that rejection letter. 

The thought made me want to claw my eyes out. 

I knocked on his door and Cole answered, a frown planted on his face. "Mahi?" 

"The one and only," I attempted to giggle, but I fell over, and he caught me. 

"Are you drunk?" 

"As a skunk," I confirmed, before holding onto him for support.