The Deal

Chapter Twenty Five

I drape my hand over his stomach, sliding it underneath his arm that rests over her abs. Hearing his heartbeat against my ear, finding the source of the feeling..it's him.

"Lily?" He asks, his fingers rubbing small circles on my skin where my shirt rode up. "What did your dad do?" He asks and I feel my stomach turn just at the mention of him. Only my mother, Aria and the pogues know. It's not something I can speak about easily.
I opened up to JJ about it and eventually Kie and Sarah later. John B and Pope only found out when I asked Kie to tell him after waking up screaming at John Bs when they were both there. They wouldn't have understood the brutality to my nightmares if they didn't know.

I don't know why I feel safe telling him but I do. It isn't really something I'm afraid of being passed around town although I rather people not know. It's more speaking about it that makes me afraid. If I talk about it I have to relive it.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I ask, it's heavy. It's not something I think most would choose to know if they could go back to before they did.
"Mhm" he mumbles, his fingers sliding under the waist band of my shorts, rubbing soft motions across my skin.

"He was an alcoholic and heavily into drugs" I tell him, taking in a slow steady breath, trying to match mine to his to keep myself breathing steadily. "Really heavily.." I almost whisper, focusing on his fingers against my skin, trying to slam the doors of memories trying to open..trying to bust off the hinges.

"He was already abusive the drugs made it worse, he'd hit Aria and I often but our mom got the brunt of it" I explain, beginning to fiddle with the fabric of his shirt. Ignoring the way adrenaline starts to flood in. Even speaking of it causes my brain to panic and prepare me if I need to run..even run from the memories. "He knew some bad people, people like Nico" I go on, swearing I can feel the shift in his breath like something I said agitated him. "We never had extra money for him to spend on drugs but he used whatever we had" my voice falters growing closer and closer to the reason for my nightmares, the reason I'm afraid of any and every man that I walk by or meet.
The reason for almost everything that's wrong with me.. Aside from the accident and the damage it did to me.

I will never recover from what he did to me.

"He had disappeared for the day but we didn't care, we liked when he was gone.." I reach for his hand, pulling it closer to me, running my fingers over the cold surface of his watch, feeling the indents of the band against my fingertips. Dragging them back down over his hand before fidgeting with his fingers, pressing mine to them and seeing how much bigger than mine they are.

"I was asleep, I was only nine, he busted into my room and dragged me out of bed..it startled me awake.." I breathe, shutting my eyes and wrapping my fingers around his hand.

"He'd do anything to get his fix" I almost whisper, trying my hardest to fight the memories but I can't, slamming my eyes shut when they come flooding in, like pages flying violently in the wind.
Trying to move closer to him but it's physically impossible, you couldn't slip a piece of paper in between us. As if he can tell he pulls his hand from my grasp, using it to pull my leg over him, running his fingers up and down my thigh softly.

I suck in a deep breath trying to fight the sting starting to burn behind my eyes. "He dragged me to his car, my mother tried to pry me from his arms but he shoved her into the wall and knocked her out.." That deep ache beginning to form in the bottom of my throat, making my vocal cords feel strained. "I don't know exactly where he was taking me, only that he planned to sell me to some men..some dealers that had a drug house somewhere on the cut" I tell him, feeling his breathing become heavier but he says nothing, only listens and that's what I need right now.