The Distraction

Untitled Part 12

For three years now, every Friday has been a date night for Steve andAutumn. It's something I started, insisted on after seeing the stress of workand kids strain their relationship. Since then, every Friday for me is dinner,movies, dessert, and utter kid chaos with my two favorite kids.This week, we have a special guest.At the kitchen table across from me eating homemade pizza nits Hunter.He came down not long after Autumn and Steve left, asking how he couldhelp. At the time I was elbow deep in pizza dough, Sara stirring sauce andarguing with Rosie over toppings.Eagerly, I accepted his help and not because I was overwhelmed.But because my gut has been so unsettled, a gnawing feeling I can't seemto get past. Our argument about his dad brought to light how tenuous our"relationship" is and how invested I am in it. As dangerous as that is for myheart, I can't see any way around it.This week went by relatively smoothly, with hidden meetings in thecottage and sneaky kisses here and there. But it's also been another weekwhere he's locked upstairs most of the time, working away at the newlocation and making sure everything goes without a hitch. Each time I seehim, he looks more exhausted, more strained, the bags under his eyes thatmuch darker.When I accepted his help, he jumped in seamlessly, tackling the minibrawl brewing with a suggestion of mini pizzas where everyone can choosetheir own toppings. Then he came over to Sara and me, helping by cleaningup around us as we cooked, stirred, and kneaded.Together, we monitored pizza creation before I cleaned up while Hunterand the kids set the table.Now we're sitting across from each other, the kids babbling on aboutcamp and pizza and who has the best hiding spots in hide and seek.Like a car with cut breaks hitting a brick wall, uncontrollable, inevitable,and painful, it hits me. I'm falling for this man. I've created a dream in mymind of family dinners with our two-point-five kids, loving them, workingside by side to raise them. Staring at each other across a dinner table whilethey chatter on every night, then watching them grow up and make us proud.And, fuck, but I don't know how I got here.Still, I can envision a future that is so beautiful it makes my soul hurt. Afuture I want to curate and make happen too badly. And I don't know if he'llever be in the place to give it to me."Hannah?" Hunter asks with a strange look on his face."Huh?" I shake my head, snapping free of my daydream and nightmare."I said, are you okay? You looked... lost."Lost is a good way to put it."Oh, I'm fine, just zoned out for a bit. So what did you do with Ms. Daisytoday, Rosie?" I ask the littlest Sutter, knowing exactly what was on theschedule for Daisy's group but desperate for a distraction. Of course, itworks, putting Rosie on a tangent that lasts another 10 minutes. 10 minuteswhere I stubbornly decide I can't let my mind go there anymore. I refuse.After dinner, the kids head upstairs to play before sundaes while I cleanup what little we missed. Hunter comes alongside me, drying dishes withoutbeing asked. We quietly work together, a synchronized work of what Ialways thought to be fiction. Again, a sharp stab goes through my chest, amix of immense pleasure and all-consuming pain.Side by side we finish out the night, getting a sundae bar together, lettingthe girls go crazy with toppings before they get baths and slip into pajamas. Itry to plan messy meals like this for days. They'll get a bath since Rosie iscovered from constantly sticking her fingers in chocolate sauce and her sisterdoesn't look much better.Jammies, teeth brushing, and bedtime follows. Sara is easy. I get herwater, tuck her in and let her be, but Princess Rosie can be a handful. Huntergets her started while I settle Sara. As I'm walking to her room, I hear a quietconversation, making me pause."And then what happens, Uncle Hunter?" Rosie whispers, her little girl'svoice groggy and slow. Peeking in, I see her tucked into her bed, a princesscarriage complete with a lacy pink canopy. Next to her, Hunter is sprawledon the floor, looking positively gigantic, surrounded by miniature toys andfurniture."Well, then the prince went after the dragon and slayed it, making hisentire family proud of him. The town realized he wasn't the bad guy after all,and the Princess kissed him. They fell in love and lived happily ever after."Warmth rushes through me with hope trailing it, hearing the end of his storyand realizing there could be a kernel of truth in the fiction."I like that story." Her little body rolls away from him with a tiny yawn,curling up into a little ball. That ball will expand overnight into a giantstarfish at some point, taking over the entire bed and creating a rat's nest onher head that takes 10 minutes to brush."Me too, honey." He bends low to kiss her forehead. Before he catchesme watching, I tiptoe past the door and downstairs where I pull out a beer foreach of us.Not long after, his feet are thumping down the stairs where he collapsesinto a chair in the family room. Handing his beer to him, I laugh."You okay there, Uncle Hunter?""Holy shit, how do you do this every day? How does Autumn do it? Nowonder she needed to hire you. I'm fucking exhausted." After taking a longpull on his drink, he sets it on the side table before laying his head back andclosing his eyes."You get used to it," I say, giggling and sipping my own."You're good at this." His eyes are still closed, his body still limp."You were a good teammate tonight. Thanks for tagging in." Fidgeting, Itug at the label of my bottle, unsure why I'm still so unsettled."Seriously though, how do you do this every day? Two hours of it withexpert help and I'm dead on my feet." He raises his head to look at me,seemingly looking for an honest answer."Besides spending a good chunk of my childhood taking care of mysister, Abbie? I don't know. This is all I've ever wanted. I love taking care ofpeople. Making them feel safe and loved? It gives me energy." My fingersrun along the soft gray fabric of the couch, hesitating. The lights in the roomare dimmed, mid-summer dusk hitting and giving the room a cozy feel, eventhough it's barely past eight. Unable to see his face too clearly, I go on, morecomfortable than I would be in broad daylight."All I've ever wanted was to be a mom. These kids... they're everythingto me. I know it's weird. Trust me, Sadie tells me daily that I need a life. Butuntil I have kids of my own to take care of and nurture, to make a differencein, I have them. They have amazing parents, but I love knowing that I'm alsothere, helping to shape these amazing little people."Silence takes over, making me uncomfortable, hoping I didn't exposemyself too much."My dad did all that," he says, his voice low and rough. "When my momleft, he took over everything. I can't even imagine doing all of this with twoangsty kids, one income, and trying to keep it together. His heart was broken,but that never hit us.""Your dad's an amazing man.""Yeah. He always saw the best in us. That's why he invested in me allthose years ago. He saw the passion I had, saw my potential.""You still have the potential. What about the passion?"He sighs. "I thought I did. I've been working on this new location, usingthe failed space. It's good. It's huge. The retail hub is almost two times thefootprint of our other locations. And the camping aspect is smart. It has areasfor classes that will boost sales, then create repeat customers when they needequipment for their new found hobbies. But I go there and I just see myoriginal vision." He's staring off, mind in another place."Why didn't you tell me when we went hiking where we were? You toldme what it meant to you, but left out that you owned it.""That day wasn't for harping on my failures. It was getting to know you,taking you somewhere that meant something to me without letting you knowabout the baggage.""Baggage makes us who we are.""But what if we don't like what our baggage says about us? What if thebaggage makes us a failure, irresponsible?" God, the pain in his voice. Ithurts to hear."What happened to that location, Hunter?" I ask, curious. No one hasexplained it to me, though I've never outright asked. Air leaves his lungs in aheavy blast and the weight of it filling the room, making it feel stagnant."I had a vision. I told you about it - the camp for people to get out,connect with nature, find a passion. I bought the location, but before it wasfinalized, they gave me the packet to go over, make sure I didn't see anythingworrisome. I was 23. I was a business major, not a lawyer. I should havehired a lawyer. I know. But my ego...""Okay...""So I was seeing this girl. I thought she had the potential to be it, to be bymy side while I built this empire, while I paved my own way. She came frommoney, and had no idea how much things cost or how much you had to workfor things."Why does his talking about building a future with a woman who is not inhis life anymore make me want to stab something?"The day I was going through the papers, she wanted to go out withfriends. I told her to go, but I needed to read this paperwork. She was spoiled.Never heard no from her dad, always got her way. She told me her unclecould look over it. He was a real estate investor who I'd talked to a fewtimes. A smart guy, knew his shit. So I told her if she sent it to him and heagreed to look it over I'd go out with her."My gut drops, already knowing where this is going."I was so wrapped up in her. A distraction. God, that morning I waslooking at rings. I was going to ask her to marry me at the grand opening. Afresh start to a new life full of promise. When I asked her about it the nextday, she said he looked at it and said I was getting a great deal. I was soexcited - it was my first investment and knowing this guy thought I wasdoing it right was a confidence boost."Three weeks later, I'm in a planning meeting with the town and find outit wasn't zoned the way we needed it to be, that the specific zoning permit weneeded had been denied twice already. I confronted her and she came clean,crying that she was tired of me not paying attention to her, that she thought itwouldn't be a big deal and she wanted more time with me. Tried to make itseem like it was my fault that she'd never even give it to her uncle.""Oh, Hunter," I whisper, horrified that this woman could be so selfish."Before we could finish the zoning fix, we were out of money. I tabledthe project, I found a deal on a bankrupt sporting goods store, brought it tomy financial advisor, Jonathan. I showed him the plan for Beaten Path Icreated in school and he backed me personally. Even though he knew it wasmy fault the previous idea crashed and burned. Financed most of it andhelped to secure investors."I named it Beaten Path as a reminder that following the Beaten Path wasthe safe option. Retail is basic, there's a structure and a proven record. I canwork with that. Creating an entirely new concept is too dangerous. Thatmistake almost made my dad homeless. That's a mistake I can't make again.""Hunter, you know that none of that was your fault, right? You wereyoung. You were in love -""I wasn't in love. I was in lust, listening to my cock instead of my brain.""Whatever, you know what I mean. You're older and wiser now.""Yeah, well, ask Jonathan and he'll disagree.""What do you mean?""I've been fucking up again. I swear this location is cursed. This week Iwasn't on top of paperwork and missed a huge deadline. We're supposed tobreak ground next week and still don't have the modified permits because ofmy fuck up.""But it's getting done, right?"He sighs. "It's looking positive. But I can't have any more issues or itwill all crash.""And your vision, what you're building right now - it's what you want?""What do you mean?" I can see in the dim light his head is twisted towardme and although it's not clear, I can picture his adorably confused face,brows furrowed and mouth tipped down."You're putting this stress on yourself, pushing yourself to make this'failure' a success," I put air quotes and emphasis on failure, letting himknow how I feel about that. "But is it what you want?""It's what will be a success. I can't see my dad until I have that success."As much as I want to argue, want to ask him why, my gut says to leave thatone aside. The last time I brought up his dad ended in an amazing orgasm,but before that was harsh words and hurt feelings.I stay silent, not knowing what else to say."What would you do with it?" he asks, looking at me, interested. Hedoesn't seem offended that I'm questioning him, but I can vaguely seeamusement and curiosity playing across his features."I don't know. Not a retail store. No offense," I laugh. His chuckle hitsmy ears, bringing me a bit of relief and giving me the confidence to continue."That location... It's so gorgeous. A building there and a giant parking lotsounds like a bummer." He lets out an agreeing sound, which eggs me on."Okay, ever since you told me your first idea, I've been thinking about itnon-stop. A summer camp for kids, like the kids at the Center. My dreamsummer camp with that Bug Juice style camp experience but also teachingthem how to connect with nature, how to channel emotions into healthierhabits." I'm on a roll, excitement at the mere prospect heating my veins."Sadie's family was really into camping when we were kids. They tookAbbie and me a few times on their family vacations. We learned so much.Between the Tate's and Maggie, I avoided a life drifting or making poordecisions, I think. You could do that for other kids. Teach them skills foroutdoor survival, give them something that they can do, a sense ofaccomplishment. But affordable, so that everyone gets the opportunity. Orpay what you can model. Or a scholarship. I don't know, I'm not a businesswiz like you are, but the impact it could have... And then you have an aspectfor adults, to possibly offset the cost and have something when kids are inschool. Classes teaching them to connect with the world, release stress, andfind new outlets. You could offer fitness classes and since the summercampsites would be empty, even getaways like bachelor parties or girls'weekends..." I fade off, realizing that I've been babbling and word vomiting.Hunter's eyes are on me, my eyes adjusting to the dip so I can see themgleaming with something new. Admiration or adoration or something inbetween. His full lips are quirked like he's amused by me and all of hisattention is laser-focused."Sorry, I got a little excited," I say, an embarrassed giggle falling frommy lips."No, no, I love to hear these kinds of things. That's an amazing idea.Maybe one day." He says, with a sigh. "One day when I'm not answering to aboard and out to prove... something.""I hope you get that chance, Hunter. But I also hope that soon you realizethere's nothing to prove.""Yeah, well, we'll see," he says, finishing his beer.Standing, he reaches out for my hand before pulling me up into his arms,kissing me on the head. Everything feels... off."Are you okay?" I ask softly. He's so much taller than me, which Inormally love, but right now, looking up at him, it feels like another wallbetween us. Glancing at his guarded face confirms that."Holding you? How could I be anything but?" His whispered breathsdance on my lips before he drops his head to brush his to mine. Whether itwas a line or his truth, I can't tell and with his mouth on mine, I find it hardto care.Lifting me from my waist, he forces my legs to wrap around him,deepening the kiss fast, like the stress of our conversation has made himcrave a release. Happy to oblige, I rock my hips into his when he sits on thecouch, turning my rock into a deep grind that has him groaning."We can't do this here," I moan softly as his lips travel from my lips tomy neck. He licks and nips the spot he found the other day right under myear, making my breath hitch as sparks shoot right to my clit."I know." He grabs my hips, guiding them to glide along him so I'mgrinding against him in a caricature of clothed sex. I gasp, feeling wetnessleak from me."We need to-"The front door clicks with the sound of a key entering and turning. I knowthat in a few seconds, the heavy wooden door will swing open, Autumn willwalk in on heels, a little tipsy, and Steve will saunter in after.Attempting to scramble off Hunter's lap, I nearly fall to the floor and hitmy head on the coffee table before he catches me in the nick of time. My legsare still trapped behind his back, pinning me in place. He stands, setting megently to the ground. Frantically, I step back and start straightening myclothes.In comes Autumn, who stops in the doorway with a stutter step, staring atHunter and me."Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Autumn mutters, glazed eyesturning me on to the fact that she may have had more than her normal twomargaritas. I'm not sure if I should panic or giggle."Babe, what -" Steve follows in, looking at us and smiling. "Oh.""What have you two been -" Autumn starts."Okay, Aut, let's get you upstairs." Steve diverts her attention, directinghis wife to the stairs. Thank God for Steve."Oh, yeah, it's time for the fun part of date night," she mumbles beforeSteve guides her up the late wooden staircase."Have a good night, guys. Thanks, Hannah," he says before disappearing."Fuck," I grumble under my breath. "I need to go." I pull away toscramble off in a fit of embarrassment. My wrist is tugged back, though,making the task impossible."Hey, it's fine, I promise.""Yeah, okay. I gotta head back to my house though.""I'll be there in a few minutes. I need to get a bag." When he looks intohis eyes, it's clear arguing with him on this will be useless. I guess it's timefor this talk, anyway."Okay. I'll leave the door open for you." When I say that, a flicker ofwarmth goes through his eyes before he leans down and gently kisses me.Not long after, I'm sitting on my couch in pajamas - a pair of pink silkyshorts and a matching cami - when Hunter enters with a small yetdistinguished overnight bag and locks the door behind him."Hey." I mumble the words into my wine, praying that it will soothe myragged nerves."Hey." The bag drops next to the door with a thump before he's at myside in two long strides. "You okay?""I'm fine.""No, you're not. Is it Autumn?""Yes?" I'm unsure of what the right answer is. Of course Autumncatching us making out has my stomach roiling, but it's so much more. It'sknowing I'm falling for this man with no safety net. I'm drowning."Hey, baby, it's fine. I promise.""I wanted to keep it a secret until...""Until what?""Until you were sure," I confess, the words falling out of my mouthineloquently and harshly. But that's the reality of it. I could fall for him andfall hard. But if he's not open to that, if we pull everyone that matters to meinto this relationship and it goes bad because we're not both on that page, itcould ruin everything."Sure of what?""Of us? Of this? Of... I don't know. Of what you want? Look, I knowyou're busy and you're not in the market for distractions. I don't expect aconfession of love or a marriage proposal. But I can't let this get messy andaffect my life. Affect the kids and my job." There. I said it. I might puke, butit's out there.He runs his hand through his beard. "I know. I know. I can't promise youanything. I wish I could, Hannah. I really wish I could because you deservethat certainty. What I can tell you is I love spending time with you. And thethought of you spending time with any other man makes me want to put myfist through a wall. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for anything more thandating. I just don't know if I have that in me. But I can promise I'll never leadyou on."It's not the confession of love I was secretly hoping for, but the ball is inmy court now. Do I accept what he can give me? Do I ask for more? Can Ikeep my heart safe if things change? When things change?But the bigger question is, can I walk away right now without regret?With that, I have my answer."Okay.""Okay?""Okay, Just... be gentle with me," I beg, hoping I'm not making a hugefucking mistake."I can be gentle."Softly. his lips glide along mine in a kiss that's hesitant and filled withsomething so close to love that it almost breaks me, almost brings burningtears to my eyes. It's a kiss unlike any we've ever shared before.Gently, as if I'm something precious that he can't bear to harm, he liftsme from the couch, forcing my arms around his neck. He cradles my bodyclose to his, carrying me to my room, where he places me on the bed just asgently, reverently.A soft swoosh hits my ears as his shirt falls to the ground, followed by theclinking of his belt and pants hitting next. I quickly discard my pajamas,throwing them aside in time for him to crawl up behind me. He places softkisses along the way, worshiping me like I'm something precious that hecan't believe is in front of him."Hunter," I breathe as his mouth circles a nipple, sucking gently. My backarches off the bed at the feeling, eager to get my breast further into his mouth,to get more, feel more."Shhh," he whispers, using his hand to pinch the nipple on my neglectedbreast before switching sides."Oh, God." His hand is sliding down, down, down until he hits my curls,a rough finger grazing my clit and making my hips jump. He plays in thewetness there, taking his time to tease me, explore me with just the tips of hisfingers."Hunter, I need...""What do you need, baby? Tell me.""You, I need more. I need you.""What about this?" He thrusts two fingers inside my pussy and I can hearmy wetness on his fingers as he pushes in, making me moan louder."Yes, Hunter, God.""Is that good, Hannah? Do you like my fingers in your beautiful cunt?"The dirty word makes me moan again, biting my lip and nodding as hismouth goes back to work on my nipple."I need you," I mumble, my fingers touching, grasping anything I canreach."What do you need, Hannah?" he repeats, still fingering me, but nowpressing forward with each thrust. Grazing my g-spot. Making me insane."Please, honey." He keeps on waiting for me to tell him, to demand it. "Ineed you inside me, I need your cock," I whisper, too far gone to beembarrassed or shy."Okay, baby." I lose his fingers and mouth, making me whimper. Thispulls a smug smile to his lips. "Gotta go get a condom," he says, kissing mequickly and pulling away, rolling to the stash in the bedside table on his sideof the bed.But I can't bear it. I can't bear to lose him, to lose his physical touch. If Ido, I might lose my mind."I have an IUD."There's nothing but his eyes on mine for a moment before he breathes insharp. "Are you sure?""Yes, God, please. I want to feel you." I'm begging now, out of my mindwith need. I need this connection, I need this reassurance.Before I can even take a breath, he slams into me, making me shout hisname in pleasure. The feeling is exquisite, the sweetest pain. I've never donethis with a man. Always careful, always calculated, never wanting a surprise.The intimacy of having him in me without a barrier is beyond words. I'manimalistic."Holy fuck, Hannah, baby, so wet, so tight. So fucking good." He gruntswith each thrust. He feels it too, I know it. We're looking into each other'seyes, connected as we've never been before. I see everything there. His trust,his fear. His excitement and joy.And right before I come, his finger pressing perfectly on my clit, I think Isee love