Book: A world unknown
Author: @FantasyStories118
Review:
Your blurb didn't give me enough glimpse of what to expect in your story. It felt too narrow, too blurry. Try and improve it, describe your portagonist more, make us to love or hate them, give some spoilers, tell us more on how Caleb's world will be threatened and by what? Best by who?
Your first chapter though having a lot of punctuation errors, was still quite good. In the first sentence, you gave us Caleb's character traits; lazy and procrastinating. Something that makes us readers see ourselves through him and which makes him less of a character and more of a real person because who in their whole life didn't procrastinate studies for a little bit of fun? Me though. And I really regretted it:-(
Leaving the F I got for the math test aside, I think you should really revisit the way you describe things. There is still much work to do at that point. I think you want to be so detailed in your description that at the end what you say doesn't have a clear meaning. In the first chapter that Jason was waving at Caleb, an arm above his head that carried a hood .... And well, this sentence can be quite confusing. You see, just the fact that you said wave, a lot of people can already picture Jason doing that action in their heads, so there is no need to add the; an arm above his head... Part. If I should advise you, I will prefer that you should say:
Jason, my close friend, waved at me and looking at him, I couldn't ignore that his hair was hidden inside the hood that often caused him to be yelled at each time he had worn it.
Also, you use a lot of me and Jason which in correct English should be Jason and I. At the end of the chapter, you wrote: My backpack was dropped on the bed along with me, who is now .... This is written as if someone else had dropped the bag and Caleb on the bed if you read well. The backpack was dropped? Who did it? Him? Why not say I dropped my backpack? Why not write:
I throw my backpack on my bed immediately I walk into my room. Thereafter, stress fills me up as I think of the test. I sigh and decide to fall on my bed too and the only thought in my head before I doze of is in as much as I hate to work, I hate bad grades more.
See? Try to describe things in details. Don't just combine different action in a sentence with only two commas not everyone will understand what you mean.
As from chapter 2, he is told about the missing girl and we witness his kidnapping which in my opinion gives the story a good flow, but you really need to edit it.
