CONTENT WARNING : mention of suicide, explicit language, verbal abuse, and many more
I was sitting down in our couch, hugging the teddy bear that my sister gifted years ago, I still remember the day she got me this teddy.
“oh, ayan. para may mayakap ka pag natatakot ka, ‘lam mo na hindi naman ako forever nasa tabi mo” flashing me with a sweet smile—warm and sweet smile to be exact. God knows how much I missed her, if only she didn—
“ano ba ‘yan Aisha?! ano lagi ka na lang ba ganiyan, ano bang mali ang ginawa naming pag-papalaki sa'yo?!” oh... right kausap ko pala si mama.
“ma, sorry po.” of course sorry is all I could say, because whenever I try to voice out my feelings, they will just ignore it. like they always do.
“puro ka na lang sorry pero lagi mo namang inu-ulit, punyeta!” she spat those words like poison—if her words could kill, I would likely be dead already.
I lowered my head, tears threatening to fall. silently praying that it would stop from falling, but even my own eyes betrayed me.
alam kong may mali rin ako pero bakit...bakit parang kasalanan ko lahat? I‘m so tired, I’m drained, and that was my last straw.
this kind of thing is not new, it's like part of my daily routine, hindi ata complete ang araw ko pag walang ganito. but it's different this time.
the voices in my head are getting louder—angrier by the second.
I thought I'm already ok, I even found a therapist for me. I always go there for our sessions.
I was such a fool for thinking that these thoughts and voices are already gone, turns out they were just hiding deeper in my mind.
End it already. The voice in my mind said.
end it.
end it.
end it.
end it.
END IT! oh no...it's getting louder I couldn't even hear what my mother is saying.
End it!!
come on, end it!
END IT!
Ok, that's it. I'm doing it, again.
kinuha ko ang aking bag at nag mamadaling umalis nang bahay.
