The Deal

Chapter Sixteen

I can't be sober, I can't handle feeling or feeling without them. I need them to balance and dilute reality. I need them to numb me and it's excruciating without them. It's like there's big gaps in places in my life that should be filled but they're not; even if they were at one point..Like Tiffany and Ella..
Whatever the reason, they're empty and it hurts like hell. It feels deep and uncomfortable and sad, lonely and I have no idea how to fill them. I've given up trying to find that kind of teenage love you always see and hear about in movies. I've come to the conclusion I won't find that I wouldn't even care if I knew I'd find it later but I won't.

I won't find someone who will love me the way I'm dying or thirst for. No man would put up with the darkest parts of me that's slowly becoming all of me. And for some reason every man in my life since I've been introduced to them has wanted to hurt me. My father was the first man I knew and he hurt me.
He put me in danger in ways no one should ever put a child especially a father. I'm not even sure the sickest locked up psychos would quite do what he did to me..And I was only nine. He was willing to do anything for drugs..Now here I am following in his foot steps with the drugs.

Some man might see the surface and come forward but the second the sun in myself goes down and the darkness shows itself, he'll run and I don't blame him.

Even if I could find one who wanted to treat me the way I want I know deep down I couldn't handle it. I want to be loved, loved like you see in the movies. That unconditional, would kill for her kind of love. If it was offered to me, it would scare me. I'd be too afraid I couldn't give it back but I can't explain why. It's not that I wouldn't want to love them that way back, I do. I do want to love someone like that but I wouldn't be able to.
I'm too fucked up. No one likes to admit their flaws and I wouldn't out loud but I can to myself and I know how I am when I get bad. When I flip. Not that I have a split personality or something like that I'm just messed up and I have my father to blame for that.
I want to love someone so much it hurts but if I did ever find that I'd never let them stay close to me, they wouldn't deserve the dark parts of me. I wouldn't want to put that heaviness on them, make it their responsibility to deal with, it's just not fair.

Maybe that's why I don't have a problem with it with Kade.
As much as I've done a spectacular job convincing myself he cares about me..I know he doesn't and I'm not any better, I might care about him just from the time we've spent together but I'm not in love with him.
And if I was I wouldn't tell him I love him the way I do, just the way he tells me and doesn't mean it.
If I really fell in love I could never say it. I'd never be able to let them get their hopes up just to run away from them but I'd have to set them free of me. No one deserves to deal with me, it's just simply unfair.

•••••••••••

I almost scream when my phone buzzes and I see Rafes text.
I'd wake up the whole house if I did but fuck, I just want to sleep.

I groan rolling out of bed, finding some sweatpants and tugging them on, forgetting a bra and just pulling a hoodie on over my tank top.
I hate the tiny bit of excitement that tingles in my core.
I hate him, I hate that he makes me do this and I hate that it's all a big fun game for him and I'm the game piece that has to be used and made to look pathetic.
But at the same time, sex with him is earth shattering and I'm starting to crave it as much as I do drugs.
But only if it continues the way it did the other night. I'm tired of being used like a sex doll.

In fact I will demand it does.
Even if he doesn't want to admit it, I could tell he enjoyed it as much as I did. That has to be more enjoyable than fucking with me and making me think I don't feel good, he's torturing himself just as much.